Young Writers Society

they said a storm was coming in, but when
we got back home the sky was still so
bright our eyes teared up. this is a strange
season, where we are held between wind
and weather, and the sun too fickle for
us all. yet this our country; another.

my dusk used to be my mother’s
dawn, but now—
i like to say timezones conspire
against us, and it is only half jest.
i wonder what time i should call—
will it be night here, and morning already
there? in the night i think—calculating time as
expressed in distances—i now live in my parents’
past. in a distant room a clock is ticking.
whose time is it, that it counts down?

do you know? i had forgotten
there was such a thing as autumn,
and the first leaves falling are expatriates, adrift
and alone.

i should have remembered; red
has always been one of my colors. it is
difficult. i am thinking of
monsoons. my mind lingers on
the soft scent of jasmine flowers.

it was still summer when i cut my hair.

I really lked this poem, however, it should be capitalized in almost every stanza and you didn't use your punctuation very well, I overall liked the layout but I just think the punctuation and capitlization needs to be fixed. Overall, I really liked this poem and I reread it multiple times, though I didn't understand it until about the third time I read through it. Interesting metaphors even if I did find myself dissapointed with the errors of punctuation. But call me the grammar police!

Well hello fine stranger, I wondered where your corpse had wandered off to these days.

In your absence I made myself familiar with your writing. So enjoy this review.

they said a storm was coming in, but when
we got back home the sky was still so
bright our eyes teared up. this is a strange
season, where we are held between wind
and weather, and the sun too fickle for
us all. yet this our country; another.

Skillful and poetic, but then in another glance eating itself alive with questionable decision after questionable decision. I like your inventive use of line breaks and enjambment, but BUT, they need to sound decent when reading them alive. Words like "when", "so", "for" are not going to cut it. "Strange", "wind", and even "another" actually work (only because you emphasize it with the final line) because they give some semblance of some image or emotion, a feeling being expressed.

Also, you're too generous with your pronouns, since you don't given solid grounding of pronouns (a consequence of the poem later on) you become very abstract in exactly where what and when is and is being and is done. See how annoying that can be, lack of specificity? I think the last line is perfect honestly "yet this is our country; another" that's what you want to say all along, the rest if messy dressing that's trying too hard and needs to be beaten down into solid images and moments of time. Avoid "wind" and "weather"; this happens anywhere Jutt, why does your poem's usage of them stand out? Justify that to me.

my dusk used to be my mother’s
dawn, but now—
i like to say timezones conspire
against us, and it is only half jest.

Poem starts here (still keep the last line of the stanza above), but your poem starts here. This is strong, emotionally investing, wresting, compelling, binding, etc, blah blah. However, look at the last line in this stanza. It's an ugly line that's passable only if you match the humor, voice, and personality with skillful technique and writing directly afterwards, basically jarring juxtaposition and change in tone.

i wonder what time i should call—
will it be night here, and morning already
there? in the night i think—calculating time as
expressed in distances—i now live in my parents’
past. in a distant room a clock is ticking.
whose time is it, that it counts down?

Starting to realize how you should have approached these themes. You have to pull your parents in with your own opinions, but not simply list "parents" and night. The final three lines stop being so blunt and direct, and they're good. The first threes line are good up to "there?" because, BECAUSE, this style is fine if you keep it high quality (reminds me of Edgar Allen Poe's "Alone"). The words "i now live in my parents'/ past." are good, but completely out of place because the clock and time images near them are too obvious. You need to give us where you were, where you are at, where they were, experiences not abstract images and ideas. Also, I don't think you can use "i"; it doesn't seem right to me, I prefer Jutt using "I", but that's my opinion.

do you know? i had forgotten
there was such a thing as autumn,
and the first leaves falling are expatriates, adrift
and alone.

i should have remembered; red
has always been one of my colors. it is
difficult. i am thinking of
monsoons. my mind lingers on
the soft scent of jasmine flowers.

it was still summer when i cut my hair.

The first stanza dabbles with the right idea, but the question isn't the right idea here. Stop asking me the reader things I can't know. Your life is extraordinary from my perspective so I won't know, don't make this harder on yourself. Do yourself a favor: just be yourself and stop being so blunt and obvious.

The final stanza and line make no sense in the rest of the poem's greater context.

So Jutt, take the lines I mentioned work, the stanzas I enjoy, and see if they're worth keeping. You need to reconcile warring stanzas in your poem, too much abstract simple words and beat it into a diction that stops calling on the GREAT WIDE EXPANSE and instead give us exactly what you mean: show us your father's life and mother's life and where you were and are without telling it's them. Be more subtle. Glad to see you come around.

Food for thought.


(ignore the grammar police above this post, as per usual, it seems many people have no idea about poetry these days and how there ARE NO RULES)

This poem stuck out to me because the phrase 'filial piety' happens to be part of a quote from one of my favorite films.
All that really links to the phrase, however, is the barest mention of an Asian theme at the end.

i should have remembered; red
has always been one of my colors. it is
difficult. i am thinking of
monsoons. my mind lingers on
the soft scent of jasmine flowers.

it was still summer when i cut my hair.

The idea of filial piety is very closely linked to Confucian beliefs. Other than that, I really do not see how the main character was at all respectful of his parents. You barely even mention the Moth-

Ah, but I forget. The title was 'in the face of filial piety'
Well now I'm lost. I thought I was progressing so fine too.
Oh well, reviewing poetry was never my thing. If I had reviewed this at the beginning of the year, my review would not have been unlike the first one up there.

Kudos, Jenth.

P.S. If you could PM an explanation of the poem, I would be very much grateful.