Young Writers Society

Something rather hastily written

Note : I sometimes post poems as notes on my facebook account under the alias "Pseudonymous Rex". I just wanted to make it clear so that if someone stumbles across this there, he/she should know that this isn't plagiarised material.



--
Forgotten, sat he deep within earth’s darkest womb
A quill frozen in time, remembering what had yet to pass
This least of friends
Imprisoned, delivering others from fate’s iron tomb

It was thence she came, seeming brighter to him than the sun
A spark in the void, a tear in darkness’s veil
From beyond all his hopes
A kindred soul, when there could be none
Omnipresent he became, never did he yield
At times a vanguard, at others a pillar of adamant
But lo!
Slashed thrice a dagger in the dark, elixir turned to venom
For in his greatest hour of need, none did he see
Betrayed by all but himself, now forlorn this least of friends

Forgotten still, he sits deep within earth’s darkest womb
A quill frozen in time, forgetting what he wished had never passed
This least of friends
Imprisoned, ever delivering others from fate’s iron tomb
--

I had to read this twice, it didn't make sense the first time. After the second, I think I understand. the girl abandoned him too, right? It was a sad poem. One of those things that makes you wonder who the real friends are. the ones who really stick up for you. I don't think you have any grammar or spelling mistakes. At least, I didn't notice any. As for the punctuation, well you didn't have much so no comment there. And I think the flow was a little bit interrupted in a few places at the beginning and end. But the middle seemed good, it sounded more poetic than the first I think. So, that's all. Good job, keep writing and reading and reviewing and all.

This, Baron is flawless! From the very first words to the last. You took a cliche topic and told it in a distinct and remarkable way. Your word choices have managed to conjure images that takes the reader to another dimension. Your voice was soft and slow but very strong. There are no flaws in my opinion and I would defintely like to read more of your work! Thank you.

Love it Baron. Once my migraine is gone I will read it again and hopefully have some more constructive words to describe how it makes me feel

*Applause*

Ha ha, okay, anyway. I know that isn't much of a critique. But this was verryyy deep, and I found myself delving deeper and deeper into the feeling of this poem, until I was swallowed into it. You've managed to fabricate your words perfectly. *sigh* I'm impressed by my fellow YWSers today, I've come across three or four really great pieces of writing now!
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

This is really good. I came to the post with a skeptical attitude, but this is very well done. It is deep on several levels, and I found myself reading this over and over so i could truly grasp what you want the reader to feel. Keep it up broskii!

Hi there!

Line-By-Line

Forgotten, sat he deep within earth’s darkest womb <<< Slightly awkward phrasing here. I'm not sure what tone you were going for but I don't think it's working and would suggest switching sat and he back around. Although, if you took 'deep' out, that would make it flow a bit more smoothly. Or maybe something like, 'Forgotten, sat he within the dephs of Earth's womb'. Oh and yes, Earth needs a capital
A quill frozen in time, remembering what had yet to pass
This least of friends <<< I like this line, something about the tone of it. Very nice.
Imprisoned, delivering others from fate’s iron tomb <<< It's slightly hard to read because you're not using any punctuation so your readers don't know where they should pause for breath etc. Add in a few dashes, commas and full stops. It would improve the flow a hundred times over.

It was thence she came, seeming brighter to him than the sun <<< What else is bright? The sun is a bit too obvious a choice!
A spark in the void, a tear in darkness’s veil
From beyond all his hopes
A kindred soul, when there could be none
Omnipresent he became, never did he yield
At times a vanguard, at others a pillar of adamant
But lo!
Slashed thrice a dagger in the dark, elixir turned to venom <<< Some good sounds working for you in this line.
For in his greatest hour of need, none did he see
Betrayed by all but himself, now forlorn this least of friends

Forgotten still, he sits deep within earth’s darkest womb
A quill frozen in time, forgetting what he wished had never passed
This least of friends
Imprisoned, ever delivering others from fate’s iron tomb

Overall

Okay! So I liked your use of repetition in this and the circular nature worked really well but I think your style needs just a little more work. The lines are a bit fragmented in places and the lack of punctuation on top of that makes them really hard to follow. True, some poems you have to read twice to really get their meaning, but for a simple ode like this, one reading should be enough. You could also spice up the imagery in a few places, there's a lot of traditionalism going on here which is fair enough but I think you can do better than 'brighter than the sun' and I'd like to see you give the reader a few more scraps on who he is. He's someone neglected and forgotten but why? What events brought him here, who was this woman to him, why did she betray him? A little more background story would really help us feel for the narrator and put ourselves in his place.

Well I hope this helps somewhat!

Heather xxx