Young Writers Society

you're trying too hard
turning right round
so you don't catch your reflection
screaming out loud;
tearing through pages
that've piled on the years
till you look just as young
as you feel in the dead of the night.

just don't look down
cause tears don't come easy
the figures below you they're
drowning in oxygen
you tasted it once and now
life ain't so hard anymore.

you keep playing God
and sometimes you nibble
on the smouldering sun-
but it's all in your head
so's the diluted starlight
that lulls you to sleep.

Hey there!

This is a nice poem, but it could certainly be improved. With a poem, every syllable counts; by virtue of being short, they have to be compact. Every word has to mean something, even if it doesn't mean much. So what you really need is an overall theme without all the wishy-washy imagery that lost my interest as I waded through. Examples:

just don't look down
cause tears don't come easy

This is long and boring, and I don't really see what the point of it is. What are you trying to say here? None of the words excite me enough to want to find out; it reads with a generic, depressing tone attached to it. You can do better.

I actually really enjoyed the last stanza. I could definitely do with tidying up ("but it's all in your head / so's the diluted starlight" could be expressed in far fewer words, for instance). So be economical and don't be afraid to use brief but compact imagery to pull together your ideas to make that happen - sorry this is vague, but poetry's a very personal thing that needs your touch. I'm only putting forward my initial reactions when I first read the poem.

Finally, I'd recommend you sorted out the colloquial language - "life ain't so hard anymore" doesn't discredit the poem, but neither does it add anything; unless there's something in the persona's character to which you want to draw attention, through the use of informal language, do two things: 1) be consistent and 2) don't use it for the sake of it, and continue to be economical.

So! Again, nicely done, but there's much room for improvement. Let me know if you've any questions - I hope I've helped!

-Mark

Hey there, Anger Management!

So, you have an alright poem here but right now, it seems like your focus was more on pretty words and phrases than on the poem itself. Yes, it’s great when a poem has some wonderfully creative language but when you don’t focus just as much on the poem, then it’s really just a jumble of smart wording.

till you look just as young
as you feel in the dead of the night.

This was one particular line that caught me as far as length goes. The first line is fine but that second line seems to have too much dead weight hanging on the end of it. Shortening this line would help out the stanza as a whole.


One really important thing to focus on, though, is the character you’re trying to paint a picture of. She doesn’t seem all that substantial at all. No, you don’t have to worry about being able to describe her hair or eyes or anything like that. But her personality reads off of the page as rather, well, inconsistent. Take a little time to really explore your character.
One poem to take a look at is Edwin Arlington Robinson’s ”Richard Cory”. Robinson has several poems that doe what you were leaning towards – describing characters. And he does a wonderful job of it.

Otherwise, there’s not much to say about this. It’s still very rough but if you really get your character together and focused and then cut out some of the unneeded pretty-wording, you’ll have a definitely awesome poem.

Best of luck and if you have any questions, just leave me a wall post or send me a PM.
~lilymoore

Rebok! <3

Alright, so I’m going to dive right into this now that I’ve gotten a third read under my belt, and I feel fairly certain that I get your point. There’s a problem with that, though, because, to me, it feels as though this poem jumps around—almost like it can’t find its real targeted critique about the person you’re speaking of. I think this comes from a general vagueness that you’ve slathered in throughout the poem, and I’ll deconstruct that in a minute. First, though, I want to seriously ask you about your lack of consistent grammar. There’s some bits and pieces here and there—a period, a dash, and a semi-colon—but you leave out crucial other pieces that choke your reader as they’re going through your work.

So while you’re the poet and it’s your ultimate call, I want to advise that you reconsider how you’ve formatted. I’ve been on a kick lately of saying write intentionally , and you’re not getting spared from that criticism. While you very well may have written this with very precise intentions, I don’t see it. So if I’m wrong, don’t hesitate to let me know; but even if I am, give it some consideration.

Before I get to the focal points of the piece, I want to skin off some of this fat that’s hanging around on the arms and legs of this lil’ old poem. Stanza one, particularly, is guilty of this quick-and-still-vague whiplash of images and scenes that doesn’t really please me as a reader. The stanza within itself is rather disconnected…and I think that’s where the general displeasure is coming from. Watch this.

you’re trying to hard
turning right round
so you don’t catch your reflection
screaming out loud;

Okay, so we’re introduced to this person (you) who is trying very hard to avoid his screaming reflection. Alright. Line one doesn’t please me as an opening line since it doesn’t break into the shell of this stanza like it needs to. Put some driving force behind that first line to set up some sort of momentum. Also, the almost-rhyme that you have here gives the reader a false beat. Not sure if it was intentional or not, but it’s worth pointing out. I thought at first that you were just cramming a rhyme into the poem for the sake of a rhyme. Ah well. The whiplash comes after this part, when we reach:

tearing through pages
that’ve piled on the years
till you look just as young
as you feel in the dead of the night

Well, maybe it’s my instincts leading me astray, but I’m reading this as if you’ve set it up sarcastically—that he feels old in the dead of the night, and that’s why he’s avoiding his reflection, and why the pages have piled on years. Or rather, he’s aged because of the pages. Right. If that’s the case, I think you’ve got some convoluted phrasing here that could use some redemption. Pick at your cleverness a wee bit.

Alright. That’s stanza one. We’ve gotten an aged book-reader who avoids his reflection. Now let’s see what he does that relates to walking on clouds.

Just don’t look down
cause tears don’t come easy
the figures below you they’re
drowning in oxygen

This part particularly annoyed me as far as grammar goes. You change paces in the middle of a line, and there’s no break or designation to suggest the shift. It’s like the breaks wore out in your car. Anyway, this stanza is very, very important to your true meaning, I think. Especially the lines “the figures…in oxygen”. That’s actually a very beautiful conveyance of death, or at least metaphorical death. And now that we’ve reached this point, look back at stanza one and figure out how you can better build up to this point in imagery and phrasing. I think it’s the first half of stanza one that’s killing you right now. Note that while we continue.

you tasted it once and now
life ain’t so hard anymore.

I’ve actually had this image in my head before, and I’m glad to see it on paper. But I’m also angry that I didn’t get to use it first. Oxygen is normally conveyed as something sweet, something that provides life, of course, but when your life is awful, how can oxygen be sweet? I’m glad you caught onto that thought. Just a note: stanza two is my favorite. The first two lines need some attention, as they seem to be nearing the edge of being off-topic. It’s clear that he doesn’t want to miss the people below, but I think that goes without saying. And the near colloquial tone you set up for that segment doesn’t really do the rest justice.

And suddenly, we’re critiquing this cloud walker. It almost feels angry.

you keep playing God
and sometimes you nibble
on the smouldering sun-
but it’s all in your head

You keep playing God. You keep playing God. This death isn’t literal at this point. Now that we’re criticizing the individual, it’s clear that they’re alive, so the death that we breathe in in stanza two is a metaphor for detachment. Someone who observes life, I assume, and plays God through his walking on clouds. So now that we know that, we can soak in the remainder of the stanza. Again, I want to point you back to stanza one, where I believe a lot of your problems are resting.

So sometimes he nibbles on the smoldering sun, but it’s all in his head. The light’s all in his head—just like the starlight that lulls him to sleep. I’m missing a note on the twilight/night references, and I really want them to connect for me. I keep digging, but I can’t quite…get there. I want you to pave that over for me because I think you’ll have another attack ready for your reader if you get that motif right.

Anyway, let me wrap this all up by saying that I do want you to add in that hypothetical last stanza. It’s a good quote to take from the poem, if nothing else. And I’m all about some quotes. I hope this helps out. I didn’t read the two reviews ahead of me, so if I repeated anything they said, or went against what they said, then just decide for yourself.

Drop me a line if you have questions.

-Lumi

I think your poem is okay. I agree with the other commenter's, the poem dosen't exactly bring along what you are trying to say clearly.

I think my favourite bit of your poem, is whats in the spoiler. You should definitely add it in.

AngerManagement wrote:if you're walking on clouds
why do you ask mewhy the
ground seems so far?

You need to add me in there.

Your poem has a nice flow to it. Some lines are a little too long. I'll point those two out:

AngerManagement wrote:till you look just as young
as you feel in the dead of the night.

I think as the last line is too long. Maybe you could split it into two equal lines or shorten it? Then that restores the flow of the poem. And also:

AngerManagement wrote:the figures below you they're
drowning in oxygen

Those to lines need to split properly. I suggest:

The figures below you
they're drowning in oxygen.

That way those lines make more sense. (At least to me)

Not a very helpful comment but I hope it does some good!

Deanie x