Young Writers Society

Oh, how I love introcet weather
And introspective little ponds
A school of thought perhaps?
Or maybe a change
of dire spit fire routine

It burns my senses dry
I'm now lying on my back
The head I got for christmas
Is staring straight at me
caressing my toe

Glades of enigma and dust
Gone are the dishonourable snowmen
And here I sit waiting
For the sun to expand
into a possibility of catadogs

It burns my senses dry
I'm now lying on my back
The head I got for christmas
Is staring straight at me
caressing my toe

I like it wow some people are really talented on this website

I love "a school of thought" following "introspective little ponds." It makes me smile. The way "think tank" makes me smile because I think of people sitting around in a fish tank trying to come up with ideas while fish go darting past....

I know that's not remotely helpful, but it's all I have to say about this, really. If I have more thoughts later I'll let you know.

Hey fred. Cool name.

I'm Mark. Let's have a look.

introcet weather

What weather? And what's a catadog?

So that's the only nitpick, but a few minor things - every line doesn't need to begin with a capital letter! Not unless it's the start of a sentence, or a proper noun or whatever. That annoys me, heh. Also, I don't like the grammar in this poem - it feels like you just couldn't bothered more than anything else, given that you've got a question mark. So, try and fit in a few commas and full stops to help the flow of the story. Otherwise it reads as one like rambling sentence, which isn't very good.

I can't quite decide whether or not I like the poem. It's got some exciting imagery and lovely word choices, but aside from that, I can't really understand what they mean - without the title I have no idea what an overall theme is. It feels like you've just dished out some phrases that you like and have been oblivious to continuity or relevance. I really liked the middle stanza, but only because it sounds nice. It's still vague. While poems don't have to be painfully ostentatious, they at least need to have a good mixture of abstract and concrete language so that we can tell one from the other. So that would be my main bit of advice - find an overall theme, link every stanza to it, and then link together the stanzas.

Did that make sense? Let me know if not. I hope I helped! =)

-Mark

Hey, Fred! Here as requested.

Though I must warn you that my poetry skills are a bit limited. Hopefully, what I say will make some sense!

I'm not sure the lack of grammar did much for your poem here. Well, basically because it seemed you were confused as to how to go about the grammar. You used capitalization but no punctuation -- kind of an odd mix-up! I'd suggest punctuation, but that could be my confusion speaking, which I'll refer to in a sec. Otherwise, the capitalizing isn't needed. If the grammar is skewed, then I would think it has a significance regarding the poem itself.

Now it's been a couple years since I took math, sadly. However, there were a couple terms that I've never heard of anything. I liked how you tried to tie in some of that logic in with the winter season, so maybe there's a connection there that I'm just stupidly missing lykwoah. But the poem's message didn't quite come through to me. I also have to assume that the last couple lines of the poem refer to some more mathematics, which would tie in awesomely with how the poem started. In this case, I love it when this happens. It's extremely awesome.

I don't really have any more comments though. Sorry, I wasn't as entirely helpful as you'd probably like! I did leave this poem a bit confused as to what it was telling me though. This could be due to the late night or the prose-writer in me, but. Something to consider if you edit!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Put the review aside. Fred, The poem makes me ask you two questions: Plz PM me the meaning of 'introcet' and 'catadogs'. LOL

Ummm...I love the mood you're projecting, but the poem itself, though I can see it's meant to be vague, is a little TOO vague...


Oh, how I love introcet weather

Introcet might want to be replaced with a different word, since this word doesn't have a definition on dictionary.com. If you want to invent this word, like the author of "The Jabborwocky" did, then that's fine too.


And introspective little ponds
A school of thought perhaps?

I do like this "school of thought" bit. It makes readers think a little. Is this supposed to be like a "school of fish"?


Or maybe a change
of dire spit fire routine

A spit fire routine is not really "dire." This is the part where things start to get hazy. Detail more of why this routine is important, and make some transition from the ponds to the fire.


It burns my senses dry
I'm now lying on my back
The head I got for christmas
Is staring straight at me
caressing my toe


This is fine, though I feel like you've changed the theme of the poem in the middle with the "head" for Christmas. The toe seems a little random. Again, connect the fire with this Christmas present that carresses your toe.


Glades of enigma and dust
Gone are the dishonourable snowmen
And here I sit waiting
For the sun to expand
into a possibility of catadogs

I don't really see how snowmen can be dishonorable... you could elaborate on that or possibly leave it out.

Again, you can add make-believe words, or replace them with real words since "catadogs" does not have a searchable definition online. But if this is intentional, put more make-believe words in the poem to make this seem more purposeful and intentional.

I'm sorry if I'm being harsh. Besides the choppiness of your thoughts and the toe (which each one of them is great enough for a whole separate poem for itself), this is nice reading.