Young Writers Society

Just a little poem that came to mind as I watched The Boy in Striped Pajamas. Thinking about extending it if anyone thinks it's any good so far. Any criticism welcome.

Concentrate

Scared, shouting; shivering,
Stripped of their clothes
In the chambers of catastrophy
Scared, shivering; shouting,
Sceptical; awaiting a shower
In the chambers of cacophony.
Their terrified tremors
Stilled to silence
In the quiet chambers of cruel intentions.

I like this a lot. I couldn't help but think of the WWI & WWII when reading this poem. It is gripping and chilling.

Scared, shivering, shouting,
Sceptical; awaiting a shower,
In the chambers of cacophony,
Their terrified tremors
Stilled to silence,
In the quiet chambers of cruel intentions.

This is my favorite part. "Chamber of Crul intentions," - amazing line.

Keep it up & Happy writing!

I'm glad you thought of the wars, 'cause it is based on the concentration camps of the second world war.
Thanks a lot doll.

That's... a lot of commas. Wow. And as one who happens to like commas, using them whenever, and wherever, grammatically possible, I'm going to have to say that that, right there, is a case of too many commas.

If that sole and lonely semicolon is any indicator, you do seem to be aware of how other pieces of punctuation can be used in poetry, so use them. This poem could really benefit from more varied punctuation, especially the "Scared, shivering, shouting," lines. Full stops come right to mind as being more effective, giving each word that extra oomph to drive home their points.

Otherwise, this poem was the perfect length. It didn't drag on, it wasn't too short, and the repetition worked quite nicely. I don't think this poem really needs any expansion.

Now that you mention it and I re-read it... I know what you mean with the commas. :') I didn't realize, but thank you! I'll try to put that right straight away!
Hmmm maybe you're right about extending it...
Thank you for the review.