Young Writers Society

He'll never know the love that's locked up deep inside
He'll never know little girl in my that always tries to hide

He'll never know the joy of being wrapped inside my arms
He'll never know how great the atmosphere would be with my charm

He'll never know the soft angel kisses that would make him feel so great
He'll never know that our love is completely made by fate

He'll never know the feeling of being cared for all his life
He'll never know the torchure he gives me in my heart there is great strife

He'll never know the warmth that comes with my caress
He'll never know the feeling of his head layed on my cheast

He'll never know of great and wonderfull all these things would be
But worst of all he'll never know that he's in love with me

It's repetitive. Sometimes that works, but it's not often. I really don't see it working here. What I think you should do is have three four-line stanzas, each one starting off with "He'll never know." So it would look like this:

"He'll never know the love that's locked up deep inside,
the little girl in my that always tries to hide,
the joy of being wrapped inside my arms,
how great the atmosphere would be with my charm.

He'll never know the soft angel kisses that would make him feel so great,
that our love is completely made by fate,
the feeling of being cared for all his life,
the torchure he gives me in my heart there is great strife.

He'll never know the warmth that comes with my caress,
the feeling of his head layed on my cheast,
of great and wonderfull all these things would be,
But worst of all he'll never know that he's in love with me."

Do that and fix the few grammar mistakes in there, and you've got quite a wonderful poem.

Thanks for the advice, I'll try to fix it. Sorry about the grammar, i'm not english... But I'll try to find them.. thanks again

I liked your last line and the basic message of this poem, but a lot of the rhythms seemed off and there was some forced rhyming. I agree with randy about how he split it up. No need to have all of those 'he'll never knows'


He'll never know the love that's locked up deep inside, (a good start, but I didn't like 'up' and 'deep')
the little girl in my that always tries to hide, (I think you mean in me, insteady of my)
the joy of being wrapped inside my arms,
how great the atmosphere would be with my charm. (I didn't liked this line, especially the atmosphere. Maybe something to the effect of 'the aura of my charm' would work better)

He'll never know the soft angel kisses that would make him feel so great, (I am positive you could make 'feel so great' more powerful by rewording it)
that our love is completely made by fate, (I suggest using a different verb than made. Perhaps 'born of fate' or 'woven by fate' would be better, but made doesn't seem right there)
the feeling of being cared for all his life,
the torchure he gives me in my heart there is great strife. (this rhyming is very forced. Firstly, you have 2 sentences without punctuation here. This would be punctuated 'he gives me. In my heart there is great strife', but two sentences here makes it seem really forced. Try the wonder, rhymezone.com to find a better word and thus a better line here. Also, torchure is spelled torture)

He'll never know the warmth that comes with my caress,
the feeling of his head layed on my cheast, (layed should be laid, cheast should be chest, I think)
of great and wonderfull all these things would be, (this didn't really make sense and wonderful has one L)
But worst of all he'll never know that he's in love with me (I really liked your last line!)

This was a decent start and I'm sure you could make it better. Nice start and please keep writing

I too agree with randy about the structure/repetition.
But I really like the message... I know the feeling all to well. It's a memory, but I still know it... and this totally brought it back.
The only thing with changing the "He'll never know" is that the last line doesn't stand out as much.

Very nice.