Young Writers Society

Always i am here for you and will protect you if i can,
Never will you be alone or without your biggest fan.
Just wrap your arms around me and never let me go,
Take me to our world and teach me how to grow.
Sway me to they rhythm, the rythm of your heart,
Bodies entwined, lips devine, when are we apart ?
Look into my eyes and see all that is true,
know i'll stick by you know matter what you do,
swim in the pools of hope and faith of what we share,
remember your my baby boy and that i'll always care.
Champagne on a balcolny or fanta at Ash High
Forever is for now and not until we die,
but our love wont be forgotten if we drift apart,
your forever in my memory, forever in my heart.

I'd love some comments and opinions, i think it sounds really juvenille so any improvements will be welcomed =)

Yeah thank you , i'll make sure i change that.
The bodies entwined lips devine bit is supposed to symbolise the physical side of always bieng together!

I can tell for sure that this is a rough draft. Overall, it's pretty good. However, you could change around the wording in a few places to make it flow a lot better.

For example,

Always i am here for you and will protect you if i can,

Change it to, "I'm always here for you with protection if I can,"

Here too:

Never will you be alone or without your biggest fan.

It could be "You'll never be alone because I'm your biggest fan."

Just little things like that. I see you're trying to be more poetic by switching the words around a bit, kinda like Yoda talks, but it doesn't work too well here. Also, spell check doesn't hurt.

Overall, I get the message, and it's a good poem. With a few changes, it could be a frikkin' kickass poem.

lol you're so sweet! Nah thanks its appreciated =) and thankfully i don't look like yoda too .. I hope

It sounds very 'generic' to me. No real uniqueness, no stand-out lines.

Sweetness wrote:Always i am here for you and will protect you if i can,
Never will you be alone or without your biggest fan.

Maybe alter this a little. Perhaps; "I am always here for you..."

Sweetness wrote:Just wrap your arms around me and never let me go,
Take me to our world and teach me how to grow.

Just a little thing but I think changing the 'our' to 'your' would help? So it would be; "Take me to your world and teach me how to grow."

Sweetness wrote:Look into my eyes and see all that is true,
know i'll stick by you know matter what you do,

To me, this seems a little awkward. The first line anyhow. Alter that as you wish.

Sweetness wrote:swim in the pools of hope and faith of what we share,
remember you're my baby boy and that i'll always care.

(spelling) I know it's no big deal. Just helps the reader.

Sweetness wrote:Champagne on a balcolny or fanta at Ash High
Forever is for now and not until we die,
but our love wont be forgotten if we drift apart,
your forever in my memory, forever in my heart.

I like these lines. :thumb: