Young Writers Society

i wish you would confide in me all your secrets
i wish you would hold me like there was no tomorow
i wish that we could share sweet kisses
and smiles that would explain it all

i cant express the way u make me feel
and my thoughts of you i will never tell
if only i could be the one...
...the one he loved, he cherised and couldn't live without

but i am only wishing, i am only dreaming
and this is not my reality
but someone elses joy


please comment!

A few mistakes;

and my thoughts of you i'll never tell

Needs an apostrophe
Maybe this line would sound better if you wrote i will never; rather than i'll.
Just a suggestion.

and couldn't live without

Also needs an apostrophe.

Overall it was a sweet poem, maybe you could develop it by including some imagery.

hey thx for the tips

diamond_eyes wrote:i wish you would confide in me all your secrets
i wish you would hold me like there was no tomorow
i wish that we could share sweet kisses
and smiles that would explain it all

i cant explain the way u make me feel
and my thoughts of you i will never tell
if only i could be the one...
...the one he loved, he cherised and couldn't live without

but i am only wishing, i am only dreaming
and this is not my reality
but someone elses joy


please comment!

"and smiles that would explain it all

i cant explain the way u make me feel"

For future reference, try not to use the same wording at the end of one line and then again at the start of another (explain). I guess it fits but to me it seems a bit awkward. Just changing the second "explain" to "express" would help even.
Good work though.

hey ur right, thx!

Omg!!! It's sooo good!! i thought u said that u suck at poem writing . I just wrote that poem i wrote in ur agenda on the site but i remixed it. omg it's soo good * save it 4 english class, tu va avoir un 4++*

diamond_eyes wrote:hey ur right, thx!

Glad to be of service.