Young Writers Society

Why am I the only person here,
That's slowly feeling,
Like I'm draining my life,

That grass bright green,
The sky sweet blue,
My blank face just stares back at you,
This is my suburban paradise.

Blond hair.
Blue eyes.
If not,
It's dyed.
Abercrombie,
Skater shoes,
The pinks,
And blues,
This is my suburban paradise.

I love this poem. I liked the message because I live in subarbia and I hate it here because it is so boring and fake. I especially like the rhythm of the third stanza.

"My blank face stares back at you,"

That lines rhymtm just does not seem to go allong with the rest of the stanza. Also that line seems a tad bit long because the rest of the lines in the stanza are shorter. But overall a good poem.

Thanks. Glad someone else feels that way too! I actually seperated the lines of the poem. Instead of

"Blond hair.
Blue Eyes."
It would be:
"Blond hair, blue eyes."

Would that be better?

I agree that this is a very good poem. I also agree that "My blank face just stares back at you" doesn't fit. Everything else is good. Keep it up! :thumb:

Great poem! I too know how fun it is to grow up in the suburban paradise. There a couple things that could be changed to make it flow better.


Here:

Zelalem wrote:Why am I the only person here,
That's slowly feeling,
Like I'm draining my life,

I think it'd be better if you made the first line a question, and take out "That's." Then take the 3rd line of the first stanza "My blank face just stares back at you," and put it as the 4th line in the 1st stanza. So it would be:

"Why am I the only person here?
Slowly feeling,
Like I'm draining my life,
My blank face just stares back at you."

That's pretty much it, and I agree with you that changing the 1st two lines of the last stanza into one line is a good change.

Good stuff! Keep it up!

Thanks for all your help!
(Man people on this site are really nice.)
I'll try to revise this poem soon!

Beautiful poem. The last stanza flowed very nicely. Loved it.

Thanks so much Angel!

Zelalem wrote:Why am I the only person here,
That's slowly feeling,
Like I'm draining my life,

That grass bright green,
The sky sweet blue,
My blank face just stares back at you,
This is my suburban paradise.

Blond hair.
Blue eyes.
If not,
It's dyed.
Abercrombie,
Skater shoes,
The pinks,
And blues,
This is my suburban paradise.

Lovely poem. "The sky sweet blue" - great.

Thank you so much for the comment!

Question: Are people on YWS supposed to thank people for commenting? On Deviantart it's extremely rude to not thank somebody, (unless you get a huge number of comments and can't possibly answer them all.)

Zelalem wrote:Thank you so much for the comment!

Question: Are people on YWS supposed to thank people for commenting? On Deviantart it's extremely rude to not thank somebody, (unless you get a huge number of comments and can't possibly answer them all.)

I really don't think you're expected to. At least, you shouldn't be. It's a free world.
Thank people if you want to. Simple.