Young Writers Society

Lilliane

She lays like the night, long black bird lashes
Cast against
Ivory white chilling skin,
Hands folded gently over the dip between her breasts,
Her weddingmourn dress pulls at
Her curves.

She is but asleep.

Asleep like the moon,
A goddess of la lune is she.
Her blood red lips lax and stark
Against such a barren landscape.
Her dusky locks spill over her
Shoulders like the Otherworld River
Pooling at her hips.

And yet she does not wake,
Even under hesitant shiver-ghost caress.

She is the night
This sleeping dryad,
This mistress of somber tenebrous. And the

Raven who but cackles at the guarding
Scarecrows. But futhermost she is the harbinger's wing
That flutters in the edges of my
Enlightenment.

'A goddess of la lune is she
Her blood red lips lax and stark'
- I loved those lines, they're gorgeous.

Not so keen on 'she is but...' - but I see the point of it, and at the end of the day it's all down to preference, I suppose!

I thought this was a great piece...nice imagery, good job.

I really like the imagery in this, gothic, melodramatic, very much like something i would write. but i felt the flow wasnt there, the lines didnt run off the tongue so all these beautiful images instead of gelling and becoming one kinda jarr, without their true beauty being shown.

A lot of very strong imagery was created by this piece. Good work!

I love the images this poem brings to mind. The last two stanzas were beautiful, but "she is but asleep" seems to break the rhythm a little bit in the beginning. I really like this, though.

I loved this. It was beautiful and I can picture the girl lying there... It was very beautifully written, Gosh I wish I had talent like that...
nice job.

Wait Superfreakazoid, that's you Ramona right? it's Pseudomuse.

Thank you all for such loverly reviews, I'll have to work on the flow some.

cheers CL

I could totally see her lying there...it just got me thinking...awesome dark, creepy, sort of etereal imagery. Great work.

Oh, wow! Pseudomuse (I always tought that was the RADICALEST name)? Hey, yeah, it is Ramona.

This is going back to the drawing board, to work out the kinks, thanks guys.

CL

This is a technically very well done poem. Very smooth, goth-esque imagery. I got a little tripped up in the flow of the poem, like i couldn't quite connect with the spark of it- but still nice work.