Young Writers Society

Dont look at me that way,
I cant stand it.

I don't have enough energy,
nor do i have time to tell you how mad I am.

So as i sit here and wonder what to do,
I go through all you've done in my mind.

You say you love me,
then you act as if I'm not here.

You ask me to come over,
then you cant wait till I leave.

I don't want to leave you,
and I'm not sure why.

You control my every move,
and i want out!

No, I don't like it, for a lot of reasons.

Firstly, and foremostly, it's angst: straight piece of advice to most new writers, DO NOT write about your broken relationship. There are so, so many teenagers who have gone through exactly the same thing as you, and way too many of them decide to write about it. Until you are a really good poet, don't try this subject: try something more original.

Secondly: grammar. Sometimes you write 'I' and sometimes you write 'i.' Standardise it. If you're making a point about your loss of identity by having it lower-case, then make it all lowercase. If you just missed out a few shift keys, then fix it, and check your use of capitals in future.

Thirdly: why is this poetry? There is no rhyme, there is no rhythm: there is a very limited structure pattern, but it doesn't add anything to it. All you've done is write seven identically structured sentances, and stick in a few line breaks. I could take those out, and you'd have a short paragraph of simple sentances where you say things we've all heard before. Poetry is so much more than writing a piece and sticking breaks in it: you have to have some regard for how it would read out loud. This doesn't suggest anything poetic to me, it suggests badly written prose.

Poetry is about making people think in new ways, see new images: you need a different subject, an appriciation for structure and form, and better use of language and grammar.

One question: Why do I care?

Until you can satisfy this question with ample verse, don't expect me to raise pom-poms for this.

This piece needs more development. There is no real emotion in the poem.

A title could be 'contolled' or 'trapped'