Young Writers Society

Mulling Over Wine: a Toast

He is a cup of wine, brimming
With Her honey, Her bitter droughts,
Their molasses and vinegar.

Can I taste it, or will He break?
Is it sweet like his swift, soft kiss,
Or will it smack of her sharp tongue?

In the tincture that she tainted
Is there room for drops of me,
For sugared love and salted tears?

Cheers.
Here’s to hoping. I will drink.

I quite like, I must say: it reminded me of Blackberry Wine by Joanne Harris.

Couple of nitpicks:
- do you put molasses in wine?
- the end is a good concept, but I think those three sentances could be shaped and ordered a little better. It just seems a bit awkward as it is: perhaps that last of the three could disappear altogether, and the second could also be on a line of it's own? Just one suggestion.

I'm not brilliant poetical technician, so others may have more points of improvement: for my part, I'm a fan of this poem.

I have nothing else to add besides what backgroundbob wrote. The poem is well done, and the sensual imagery is great. The very last line is a bit awkward, but not by much.

I took this poem to be about an illicit laison and the hysteria incurred in a relationship ("What does the Other want of me? Am I doing too much? too little?"). Regardless of whether this is the case: vague language does not remedy/compliment an opaque message. This poem would benefit from some fat-trimming and improvement in transitional phases from one stanza (idea) to the next, IMHO. For instance,

swift, soft kiss

sugared love

salted tears

have been used repeatedly in the history of poetry. Perhaps you can find some better phraseologies?

That's my two sense.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I think all three of them are on crack. Don't change a thing.