Young Writers Society

ahh political science, such a great class to doze off in. I was at Crater Lake last weekend, snowboarding with some friends of mine, this inspired this piece. My own big question is how I should format it.

-El-

Norwegian Drive-By

there is melted snow salting my hair
gathering the dark strands in clumps
making me shake like a labrador
splattering the ground with little
globs like glue

i'm chilled to the bone even in
my blue anorak and woolen gloves
that sever my guitarist dexterity
but my toes are heating themselves
safe under three layers of socks
stuffed in insulated boots
its almost uncomfortable
this way: the two extremes of hot and
cold

i find myself waiting again
like a newborn for someone
to peel away the wet and
replace it with the tingling of
body warmth
to be carried to bed wrapt
in the shared heat and a fluffy towl
to be tucked in safe and sleepy
heavied lids droppings even as
i demand a Hanzel and Gretal
to fall asleep, a deep rolling
voice lulling me softly

but no one has come

that makes me scratch bitterly
scowling into the forest beyond
starring it down for failing me

and loosing

i strip leaving the damp clothes
in a pile by the door
the chill having cut to the bone
and spred to my chest

the flicker of the evening news
a pillow fluffed at my side

i know

i am only alone because
i am a coward

too cowardly to leave
this self-enforced solitary confinement
and catch that tiny winged dragonfly

Very good imagery. I could see everything in my mind, this was wonderful.
I really liked the last line it closed it up so well.

Well done.

-*Twinkles

Wow, that's really good. I like it

Though in some respects it could benefit with some polishing, I do like the imagery portrayed in this piece! Here goes my critique....

________________

there is melted snow salting my hair
gathering the dark strands in clumps

~~The first thing that jumps out at me is the punctuation. Do you intend to keep everything lowercased like that? I suppose you can pull an e. e. cummings if you so desire; that's entirely personal opinion. The use of the word "There" is weak; perhaps "icy melting snow is salting my hair" would work better? Coming from an entirely journalistic viewpoint, it's initially hard for me to realize that the thing "gathering in clumps" is your hair--were it not for the "dark", I would assume it to be the snow clumping together. As a whole, this does a good job at setting the scene, however; immediately we know it's cold, icy, and altogether uncomfortable~~

making me shake like a labrador
splattering the ground with little
globs like glue

~~A generally good sentence. My only qualm, which really isn't much of a qualm anyway, is that glue doesn't tend to splatter when it hits the ground.~~

i'm chilled to the bone even in
my blue anorak and woolen gloves
that sever my guitarist dexterity

~~The "in" at the end of the first sentence seems a little awkward, but it's poetry. You can get away with it. I had to look up what an "anorak" is, but now I see it's just fine. The "guitarist" dexterity feels out of place, and I'm in a band, even. It's your choice, though, whether to change that.~~

but my toes are heating themselves
safe under three layers of socks
stuffed in insulated boots
its almost uncomfortable
this way: the two extremes of hot and
cold

~~This sentence, I like; the description here reminds me of the winter days in my hometown in North Dakota; the feeling of walking in boots in snow is exactly like that.~~

i find myself waiting again
like a newborn for someone
to peel away the wet and
replace it with the tingling of
body warmth
to be carried to bed wrapt
in the shared heat and a fluffy towl

~~The correct spelling is "towel." In that be my only qualm. Nice description! Makes me feel like curling up into a little ball and sucking my thumb~~

to be tucked in safe and sleepy
heavied lids droppings even as
i demand a Hanzel and Gretal
to fall asleep, a deep rolling
voice lulling me softly

but no one has come

~~Aw, that's depressing. After all that description about wanting to be like a baby? Now I feel abandoned, haha.~~

that makes me scratch bitterly
scowling into the forest beyond
starring it down for failing me

~~What, exactly, are you scratching at? Only one misspelling this time: "staring". What did the forest do in failing you?~~

and loosing

i strip leaving the damp clothes
in a pile by the door
the chill having cut to the bone
and spred to my chest

~~Spelling: "spread". And there probably should be a comma after "strip"... My only thought about this stanza; haven't you already used "chill to the bone" idea? It's a bit cliche as it is; I don't think you want to be repeating yourself.~~

the flicker of the evening news
a pillow fluffed at my side

i know

i am only alone because
i am a coward

~~More e. e. cummings, it seems.

too cowardly to leave
this self-enforced solitary confinement
and catch that tiny winged dragonfly

~~This leaves me hanging. You were chasing a dragonfly? What are you afraid of? It seems almost anti-climactic. Keep at it, though! I like your style!


~Tarver

Twinkling Starz, thank you for your kind words, Sherbet as well. I've always wondered if it was Sherbert or Sherbet...well that was random...

Soni, thank you for the crit, I'll take a look more indepth at it in a bit, when I pull up my poem in Word.

Sorry guys it took me so long to reply, I was in the middle of nowhere in freakin Ohio with no internet connection for about 2 weeks.

-El-