Young Writers Society

Our hymn couldn’t have been sung better
On a Tuesday
For it was an afternoon
Where the sunlight dazzles the mind and spots the skin
Where the kisses are saved for the grasses
And your feet were as bare as your emotions

We forgot that we were surrounded by asphalt
By stone and by wicked gray steel
The cars roared like freight engines
Down a highway – venting anger into the air
But in our nostalgia, in our reverie
We smiled to the ice blue sky
A chill that was creeping up our spine
But in that only way, we’re free

I’ve never forgotten how it felt to run –
Our jackets whipping about us
Our hair was flying and soaring like mad flocks
And enticed snakes in a pit of rainbow colors
Sparkles from the dewdrops on the tips
We ran, yes, in rain or sunshine
A shadowy figure in a shadowy world
A skid mark on the pavement
Of the earth

Our hymn couldn’t have been sung better
Cracked teenaged voices on earth’s cracked ground
If the world really is fading
If it really does come to a close
We’re got the best view from here up on this hill
And we’re singing while we’re running down

Ooh... I liked this.

It seemed to have this neat feel of nostalgia while at the same time ignoring the world and getting to live in your own little place.

Where the sunlight dazzles the mind and spots the skin
Where the kisses are saved for the grasses
And your feet were as bare as your emotions

This really conjured up some cool images, especially the last two lines. Feet as bare as emotions is awesome and the thought of "kisses saved for the grasses" made me think of toes curling up on the cool dirt beneath the grass.

I’ve never forgotten how it felt to run –
Our jackets whipping about us

I love this line because I know exactly how that feels.

I think the last stanza is probably my favorite, with the sort of joyful, flippant attitude, of "hey, you know what? I'm happy, and even if you're not, you need to just leave us be. So there."

Nice work overall.

EDIT: The repeated image of "our hymn couldn't have been sung better" was really good. I love it when the sort of "book end" closing is used in poetry. Always gives the poem such a nice feel.

We forgot that we were surrounded by asphalt
By stone and by wicked gray steel

Great line, that was my favorite. Awesome description.

Overall I liked the feeling that this piece gave, a kind of fond nostalgia. Great language use throughout. The only thing I would suggest possibly changing is the first two lines. They seemed a little unclear in their meaning. Why couldn't the hymn have been sung better on a Tuesday? What's the significance of that? If it's not Tuesday, what day is it, and why does it matter?