Young Writers Society

for years I've been crying into a pillow full of goosedown
the mantra of ghostkisses and spiderflys
gnashing at my head
my only thoughts are missing you

you're a truebluekid
you say what you mean
and mean what you
say, or atleast that is how
I
re
(member)
you

the voices in my head
are screaming out for some release
some blood stains on the shag
some kind of carpet suffocation
the pounding in my head
is so loud
I can hardly hear the plink
of liquid fire falling from my eyes

missing you
missing you

for years I've been crying solid tears
I'm soaked from head to toe
and there's nothing but images and memories
most of the time I'm not sure you even exist

an angel of my nightmares
come to life shadowed in the
windows of the morgue

for years I've cried...

screaming in my head
the screaming in my head
is calling for you

missing you
missing you

----------------------------------------------------

the title comes from the latin phrase: Abyssus abyssum invocat - Hell calls hell; one mistep leads to another

for years I've been crying into a pillow full of goosedown
the mantra of ghostkisses and spiderflys
gnashing at my head
my only thoughts are missing you

Woo! This stanza is fabulous. Some may call it overdone, but I am quite taken with it. "Ghostkisses and spiderflys"... ooohhh shivers!

you're a truebluekid
you say what you mean
and mean what you
say, or atleast that is how
I
re
(member)
you

Oy vey, what is with you people and your obsession with stupid "styllistic" techniques? They do not improve the piece AT ALL. STOP USING THEM.
Space out true blue kid, and put a space between "at" and "least".
This stanza is confusing... how about: "you're a true blue kid/ - you say what you mean - / or at least that is how/ I remember you."

the voices in my head
are screaming out for some release
some blood stains on the shag
some kind of carpet suffocation
the pounding in my head
is so loud
I can hardly hear the plink
of liquid fire falling from my eyes

Get rid of "kind of" - it throws off your parallel structure or reformat the stanza.
Random aside: I wrote a poem about black shag carpet once.
The plink of liquid fire falling from my eyes is a little over done...

for years I've been crying solid tears
I'm soaked from head to toe
and there's nothing but images and memories
most of the time I'm not sure you even exist

Solid tears? Oy. First liquid fire then solid tears? Please get rid of that. How about simply: "for years I've been crying"
Get rid of the "and" and put it before "most".

an angel of my nightmares
come to life shadowed in the
windows of the morgue

Hmmm why would this person be a nightmare if you miss him or her?

for years I've cried...

That's nice, we already know that. Get rid of this.

screaming in my head
the screaming in my head
is calling for you

Hmmm... I don't know if the first "screaming in my head" is necessary.
---------
Overall, a pretty neat poem. The first stanza was the strongest by far, however. Happy revision!

thanks for the review Cicero. It was very informative.

So second stanza, I really don't think you understand why people use "styllistic" techniques and what it means to use them. And that's okay with me, I'm not changing anything about the technique in the 2nd stanza.

I've to run to clase I'll finish this later.

cheers CL

Of course I understand why people use them. However, that doesn't mean they aren't unnecessarily cryptic and stupid.

that was a really bitchy comment from me, sorry I'm not usually like that.

So...

yeah the plink this is going, and I'll play around with the solid tears thing. The nightmare imagery is an allusion. I like repetition, is a thing of mine, so I'm keeping it. but thanks for the review Cicero.

cheers CL