Young Writers Society

babygirl

she was reading a poem about a girl who
got her cherry popped
thinking about perverted things but mostly
sadness and the size of her thighs
she was waiting for the boy who
would be nothing like patrick swazey
(“no one puts baby in the corner”)
she didn't know how to dance in high heeled shoes
anyway

she wanted to feel beautiful and hot
and dangerous and wild
like the girl in the poem said she could
but all she felt was a sinking blue sensation and
a blushing desire to make her ribs the most
visible part of her body
(when she pulled her stomach in, it was still
rounded)

downstairs her sister was watching jerry maguire and
a girl with a beautiful name in the next room
smoked cigarettes
(but only five a day)

she wanted to grow up with coffee in the morning
and a quiet boy who didn't need for her to joke
her way into anything
it hurt her to think maybe it would have to be a girl
(because there aren't any boys like that
are there?)

she wanted her picture taken with the italian waiter
she wanted layered hair and size one pants to fit her
she wanted her lips to be pursed and red as christmas
she was sick of being sixteen and never kissed
(and knowing she wanted to be
made her feel
dirty)

I liked this, loved the tone. I wasn't completely convinced about the bits in brackets. Liked the way you ended it, the last line completed the poem and summed it up nicely. Good work.

I loved this. It's beautiful, honest, raw, and it really hit me. Nice one.

I agree with Sam (Matt Bellamy) about the brackets part...those few pieces were slightly disturbing.
I liked the meaning behind this poem, but I was agitated by two things:
1. "cherry popped." GAAAAH!!! I HATE that term! Well, that's just a personal problem, so, ignore me.
2. Even though the subject was good, it didn't really seemed like a poem to me...seemed so much more like a short story...it probably would have been better off that way.

for the most part it was really good but i hate hearing about girls who want to be thin it's bordering on cliche at this point even though i realize it's a real thing and so will be written about it just feels like you've heard it too many times before and so its' hard to get into things like that.

I thought this was different and the mood of the whole poem was pretty well done.

Some lines were cliche, "she wanted to feel beautiful and hot/and dangerous and wild," but for the most part it had originaiity blossoming and a few sprinkles of humour, "would be nothing like patrick swazey/(“no one puts baby in the corner”)".

I love those Orange Wednesdays adverts.