Young Writers Society

Riddles to Forget Me By

About to cry, you choke it.
Ready to speak, you sip it.
Wanting me, you suck it.
I know your breath.

Hungry, three fingers to your ribs.
Scared, dead atop your knees.
Emoting, wild at their farthest reach.
I know your hands.

In hurt and rapture, parted.
In scorn, making the air explode.
In sleep, rooting like a newborn.
I know your lips.

Square and gray, determined.
Rimmed in white, waving shoulder-high hellos.
Dancing in ocean waves, laughing.
I know your eyes.

I cry to think how much I know
Of you, but must forget.
You will forget me too.
And, yes, I know

You hate it when I talk like that.

I like the structure. You have some great imagery. Such a sad tone. Question: What is a "should-high hello"? The last full stanza is a nice ending to the poem, but you have some rhyme in there, but nowhere else in the poem. For continuity, can that be changed? I like the last line as a stand-alone. Over-all: cool. I like your stuff.

Now THIS is poetry! I love it. You got the whole structure thing that I think every good poem deserves, rather than just some chopped-up rant or freewrite. Bravo!

Excellent! it had a beat to it. I really loved the first part the most. Well done.

Very nicely done.
The only thing that remotely bothered me were the verbs in your firstline. I don't know why, but they seemed kind of awkward, especially suck, but that is probably just me.
Anyways, I really enjoyed this, especially the last line.
Beautiful.

NEVER HAVE A TITLE LIKE THAT.

It's irritating. Put your poem title in the topic name.

*laughs* I love this!! Very cool. Very nice idea. My only complaint is the last line - it just doesn't work for me... I'm not sure why. Maybe because it sounds more like a general conversation than the rest of the piece? I don't know. Overall though, this was really awesome.

I liked the beat. Good job for a poem. I liked the standalone line. I think it would sound really nice read aloud. Nice job.

Snoink wrote:NEVER HAVE A TITLE LIKE THAT.

It's irritating. Put your poem title in the topic name.

It got comments, did it not? She had it with the title as the subject for a while, and no one commented on it. So there.

Haha... Sometimes you have to jump up and down to get people's attention!

I really like it. This is a great poem! I really like the words you chose, and the imagery is wonderful!

Hungry, three fingers to your ribs.
Scared, dead atop your knees.
Emoting, wild at their farthest reach.
I know your hands.

That is the best stanza....

...Wow. Two poems in a row from you that have made me say that. I'm impressed.

Who is the guy? (Rhetorical)

In any case; I enjoyed reading this a lot.

Everything matched up well, though I do agree with Carmina about the last stanza and Writersdomain about the word usage.

Great work...sorry you had to write it though, if indeed this was written from experience.

--Q