Young Writers Society

*revised

Silent Whispers

Hanging on a cliff,
trying not to fall.
Waiting for an answer,
is it you after all?

Drowned in your words,
caught in your trap.
Could this be real,
or is this just a nap?

I hear your voice,
singing in my sleep.
Our song’s playing,
it’s piercing real deep.

I named you a star,
among the bright lights.
An unreachable stellar,
you share the same heights.

Looking from a distance,
trying not to stare.
Avoiding those sad eyes,
so hard to bare.

Searching for a meaning,
the right words to say.
I’d never admit it,
but I want you to stay.

- bailecielo (march ’09)

Some very good imageries, e.g. named you a star. I liked the regularity of the poem & how it's structured. The rhyme does help with the flow though I think you might need to work on your metres a little bit more.

I like the poem it really good because it tells on how you felt about the person, but i think it could have a little bit more too it instead of using the world like fall like sub it in for a diffrent word that follows wiht it. Srry am not trying to be mean.

I like this. You're ryhming is perfect, but if your going to have commas you should also have periods, and lowe and uppercases in those sentances. Other people keep calling me on it so, I probably wouln,t have noticed unless they did. Great job seperating the stanzas.

Hi everyone! Thanks for all the reviews. I fixed the punctuation and capitalization already! Glad you noticed!

Itachiwonmyheart: It's alright! I don't think you're mean at all. I get what you're trying to say. "Fall" is definitely overused, but i think I'd stick to it so the rhymes won't get ruined.

Thanks again to everyone! Any other suggestion would be highly appreciated!

Hey bailecielo,

Great imagery in this and I liked the rhyming too! I'd say throw heaps more
feeling and emotion into this, describe your feelings more, it'll create a deeper
mood within the piece and really get your audience connected to your feelings.
And this is where the Thesaurus is your best friend. Though the poem's simplicity
was sweet, try adding some interesting or different vocabulary to give it
a bit more colour and a richer tone to the piece.

It was beautifully worded, and loved the simple lines that meant so much more
than what they first seemed.

Miyakko.