Young Writers Society

(Ok, I hope this is in the right thread...it's just a bit of a poem...not too good )

Life is a wind-tossed wave that rushes for the shore,
time rushes by, and we try to grab more.

Moments passing, gently whisking by,
like soft, hasty clouds in a blue summer sky.

Little things bother us, then they are gone and something else replaces them,
but we don’t mourn.

Chances taken, others lost, sighs are heaved,
but then, who’s the boss?

Songs stick in our heads for a while,
teasing and taunting, trying to beguile.

(the ending is abrupt, I know, I'm working on some more verses)

I liked the idea of this but there are some things i don't like...

Your first and second stanza:

Life is a wind tossed wave that rushes for the shore,
time is rushing by, and we try to grab more.

Moments passing, gently whisking by,
like soft hasty clouds in a blue summer sky

Those rhymed... the third and forth didn't and the last one did.
You either rhyme throughout the entire poem or you don't. it was awkward:

Songs stick in our heads for a while,
teasing and taunting, trying to beguile.

What does beguile mean? i'm a bit deffinition impaired.

I liked this poem, but for I as well there were things I didn't like.

Life is a wind tossed wave that rushes for the shore,
time is rushing by, and we try to grab more.

This was really, really good, but I have some suggestions on the rhythm. It seemed a little awkward reading it through. my suggestions is just changing one or two words to make it flow better. Firstly, I like the idea of wind tossed wave, but it sounds a little long. Maybe finding a different word. Also, I suggest that you change 'time is rushing by' to 'time rushes by' to make it sound more rhythmic.

Moments passing, gently whisking by,
like soft hasty clouds in a blue summer sky.

Beautiful, but I think you need a comma between soft and hasty.

Little things bother us, then they are gone and something else replaces them,
but we don’t mourn.

As Black Rose pointed out, this doesn't rhyme like the first two stanzas did and that bugged me. Also, I didn't like the word mourn. Why would we mourn something that bothered us passing? It doesn't make sense, but it might just be me

Chances taken, others lost, sighs are heaved,
but then, who’s the boss?

I liked your first line, but the 'then' bothered me in the second one. How about 'but who is the boss?'.

Songs stick in our heads for a while,
teasing and taunting, trying to beguile.

I think I understand how this fits in with the poem, but it seems a little off-topic at first glance. I don't think it's a good ending... it doesn't conclude; it just states another piece to the pattern of the poem. I suggest writing a new ending line.

As to the title, 'Life' might work, but 'Life Poem' sounds really awkward. I think just 'Life' is a little bland and will repel people, but it IS a possibility. Out of the titles listed, The Present sounded most intriguing, but I'm not exactly fond of any of them.

This has a lot of potential! I love your description and rhyming... beautiful. Other than the things stated above, this was great. Nice job... keep writing

Beguile means...to be into something...like...Fontroy was beguiled by Liz...

I'm not a huge fan of rhyming poems, which was probably the reason I didn't like it as much. But however, 'Little things bother us, then they are gone and something else replaces them,
but we don’t mourn.' was awesomely awesome.

Thanks so much!!! I can see the problems now, and I'll work on them as soon as I can. I'm glad you like it

Preddy good!

The only thing I can offer is this: Try and keep rhyming systimatic in a poem thats mainly a rhyme. Because some parts rhymed perfectly, and others didn't even try.
Does that make sense? Oh well.

I believe beguile means 'to deceive by using wit.' In fact, this is the more popular meaning. However, it could also mean 'to charm,' which is sort of what Sam said... So, after all that, I think that it's used correctly in this poem.

Life is a wind tossed wave that rushes for the shore,
I think it should be wind-tossed...

Like some other people said, you should stick to a rhyme pattern. The rhythm was a bit off in this... especially in the two stanzas with no rhyming. I actually thought the ending was all right, but it is also open for expansion, so either way is fine.

thanks for the critque, it was very helpful I fixed it up some...

I like. i love the first line," life is a wind tossed wave that rushes for the shore..."

Beguile means...to be into something...like...Fontroy was beguiled by Liz...

BAD SAM
Anyway yeah... i forgot I read this but pretty much wtat I said in the first post was true.

I thought the poem was very good, I especially liked how you made it your own. Good job and i think you have some major skills.
~Christina~

I know I posted this a while ago, but I thought I'd revise it a bit and put it back up...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Life is a wind-tossed wave that rushes for the shore,
time flies by, and we try to grab more.

Moments passing, gently whisking by,
like soft, hasty clouds in a blue summer sky.

Little things bother us, then they are gone
and something else replaces them,
but we don’t mourn.

Chances taken, others lost, sighs are heaved,
but then, who’s the boss?

Songs stick in our heads for a while,
teasing and taunting, trying to beguile

------------------------------------------

I think the third stanza rymes, you just need to read it sort of slowly....anyway, does anyone want me to add more stanzas???