Young Writers Society

all sewn up
pull out the seams
take your call
your voice is static
far from my head
I burn the page
images are blurred
am I afraid?

around my throat
you came so close
to stopping me
alive in jail, alive and well
I cannot leave
innocent, accident

find my pulse
trapped in a locked box
teeth in a grid
all night amphetamine
noise to the tape
comes like a shattered beast
cast a shade
your mouth destroys me

come down dawn in one piece
come down dawn to find some peace
driven to shambles on a tip
I never said that I would quit
and the next song takes over

I thought this was very intriguing and very well-written. Excellent. I had only one suggestion.

around my throat
you came so close
to stopping me
alive in jail, alive and well
I cannot leave
innocent, accident

This is good, but I think you should make 'alive and well' a separate line from 'alive in jail'. They seema little strange together. You could also make 'accident' a separate line, but that one doesn't stick out to me as much.

come down dawn in one piece
come down dawn to find some peace
driven to shambles on a tip
I never said that I would quit
and the next song takes over

I love this stanza! It's my favorite. The only thing that bugged me was that reading it aloud, 'down dawn' was hard to say but that is not much of a problem.

This was very good. Nice job. Keep writing

Thank ya big big.

I did what you suggested, I like it.
Thanks for that.