Young Writers Society

blood spreads across the linoleum
and i fight to find tears
the stains in the satin
are showing in your face.
your closed-eyes say,
"it is finised."

i loved you until you died.

i place numb fingers
against your ice cold skin
as you slowly crumble
into a million blurry memories.

pushed away by destiny
and left alone by fate

i loved you until i died.

I REALLY REALLY LIKE THIS POEM!!! Sorry to wsound so vague, but Im not exactly sure what made me like it so much.. Its REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY GOOD!!!

This poem is good, but there are some little things that bug me.

"finised" should be "finished"

And I don't think "closed-eyes" should be hyphenated. Did you do that for effect or something?

"the stains in the satin
are showing in your face" The first "in" works, but I think "on" would make more sense because there aren't usually stains in your face.

Although, throwing in a little more punctuation wouldn't hurt.

I really liked this, especially the third stanza.

Cool!!! Everyone else has said every i wasnted to say

Thanks so much everyone...I'm glad people are starting to like my poems again. I guess I just went through an awkward stage at one point. I don't have Microsoft Word on my computer so I just have Word Pad and it doesn't have spell check and I always forget to do on here. Thanks Niteowl, for pointing the mistakes out.

To be honest, this did nothing for me .

It just seemed to lack any sort of emotion, or profoundness. It looks like you tried too hard to make a poem be original, and ended up with something quite incomprehensible, or at least a little too vague. There's nothing dramatic about it and the last line annoys me.

Yeah, I love it. Especially the third stanza. I agree with most things Niteowl said, except I think

the stains in the satin
are showing in your face.

Is fine.

Brilliant!

Firestarter wrote:To be honest, this did nothing for me .

It just seemed to lack any sort of emotion, or profoundness. It looks like you tried too hard to make a poem be original, and ended up with something quite incomprehensible, or at least a little too vague. There's nothing dramatic about it and the last line annoys me.

But it wasn't supposed to be dramatic.

Fair enough, but it wasn't emotional/lyrical either, in my opinion.