Young Writers Society

i wrote this when i was really, really depressed......


End of all Hope, Beginning of Eternal Sadness

He tries to speak out,
but go ahead don’t listen to him,
nobody cares,
he is neglected at school,
and home,
every body ignores him,
his deepest miseries unimaginable,
a broken family,
few friends to speak of,
none to support him,
for he is not here,
he is invisible,
he is the slow whisper of the wind,
he is the voice channeling through your mind,
yet,
he will always be here,
unnoticed,
uncared for,
forever….

this wasn't too bad, except there was just this over all feel of self-pity. obviously, it's a poem about being depressed but at the same time, for me there was more 'pity' then real sadness in it. which isn't me trying to comment on your emotions AT ALL i just mean that maybe it was the word choice that made it that way. "but go ahead, don't listen to him", that line for example could be changed.

um what else...also, the contradiction of "for he is not here" and then a couple of lines on "yet he will always be here". that should be changed because he can be one or the other, but not really both!

i really liked the line "he is the soft whisper of the wind". and actually i think the last few lines were really powerful, i could deffo feel the begining of eternal sadness....

thanks

"i wrote this when i was really, really depressed...... "
Yes, the title alone is evidence.
I must say, I have several poems written almost just like this. You were very literal--and very short. You told what was going on, but you didn't really explain it...

Chanson wrote:um what else...also, the contradiction of "for he is not here" and then a couple of lines on "yet he will always be here". that should be changed because he can be one or the other, but not really both!

i found a way for him to be both, i know it was confuzing, but i found a way, it was interesting(imop), i thought that part went fine.......

It seemed like you just wanted to let your feelings go. This was evidently a release. It was really "I feel really bad right now and nobody cares and I am going to feel like this forever," which is okay, but it didn't really make your poem a nice read. I can see you have a good base, though. Some phrases were a little boring, but if you touched them up, your poem would be much better.

Yeah, it was kind of too literal for me. Most of it was to, you know, vernacular, and a little bland.

It just needs some touching up. Nice work over all, though.

It almost made me cry, but that's because I'm feeling the exact same way right now. It does need a bit more work and a bit less pity though.
Hey I just realised that I solved my own problem... scary

I really like it but it does need some more work on explanation. That's my final remark.

Iam going to put in corrections below each stanza...

Dargquon Ql'deleodna wrote:End of all Hope, Beginning of Eternal Sadness

He tries to speak out,
but go ahead don’t listen to him,
nobody cares,
he is neglected at school,
and home,

He tries to speak out,
But go ahead, don't listen to him.
Nobody cares,
He is neglected home
And at school.

every body ignores him,
his deepest miseries unimaginable,
a broken family,
few friends to speak of,
none to support him,

Everybody ignores him,
His deepest miseries unimaginable.
A broken family,
Few friends to speak of,
None of which support him.

for he is not here,
he is invisible,
he is the slow whisper of the wind,
he is the voice channeling through your mind,

For he is not there,
He is invisible,
The slow whisper of the wind
And the voice channeling through your mind.

yet,
he will always be here,
unnoticed,
uncared for,
forever

Yet,
He will always be here,
Unoticed,
And uncared for,
Forever.

I made a ton of layout changes and spelling changes plus some word changes. The major thing was the seperation of stanzas. It at first discouraged me from reading it because it was long and unseperated. so with my new layout, it would be:

He tries to speak out,
But go ahead, don't listen to him.
Nobody cares,
He is neglected home
And at school.

Everybody ignores him,
His deepest miseries unimaginable.
A broken family,
Few friends to speak of,
None of which support him.

For he is not there,
He is invisible,
The slow whisper of the wind
And the voice channeling through your mind.

Yet,
He will always be here,
Unoticed,
And uncared for,
Forever.

I really did like this, it was just a bit drowned in self pity. The emotion showed through but you need a little bit less of that self pity...Good job though!