Young Writers Society

i don't want to be a typical person
i want to defy the laws of nature
i want to rip apart the sky and the air and the water and the ground even though it's impossible
and i want to spit at the postgraduates and drink from their privileged goblets
to exist in a movie and have music play in the background when i see the one i love
i want to run away with someone and live in a tent together and smoke cigars and cry together

i'll leave before my family turn me into an adult
stuff those students and their post-modern establishment
dip my toes in the childhood bays and i'll win
arcades and calliopes will trill ephemerally in my memory
no one will remember you, sucker
you're another valve in the radiator

honey, winnie the pooh, said
i want my honey

Well Stereophonic, your poem wasn't too bad for your first time, although I think it needs a few tweaks to make it even better.

I like the idea of the poem, but compared to the title, I was like "What? That was random....", and in the first two lines, I think you could a) Combine them into one line, or b) Make all the rest of the poem in the same way, with shorter lines.

On the next line, "i want to rip apart the sky and the air and the water and the ground even though its impossible", there are too many ands. I think you should combine your thoughts better somehow. Like "I want to rip apart the sky,water, and the ground, even though its impossible". But on the next line, you start it with an And, which I really dislike when people do, exspecially when you already had a run-on thought.

Back to the idea of making the lines shorter or the first two longer, I think the poem would sound better if you made shorter lines, and divided it up.

The next stanza is pretty nice, its just some of the same things as in the first stanza, but not as major.

Then, that "honey, winnie the pooh, said i want my honey" is kind of random. Its like "What? Double Take please!?!" I think you need to take that totally out, it makes no sense.

And lastly, you should capitalize all the words correctly, and use the periods so your poem doesn't sound like such a run on poem.

Anyways, keep up with this idea, it really has potential, and it will go far!

-Dreami

Well, just to confuse you, I am going to say I have a completely different opinion to Dreami

I liked the style of your poem, I liked the run on effect, the image of someone rambling, and sounding perhaps a bit drunk, which kind of ties in with the tequila bottle, and even makes the winnie the pooh bit make sense-a completely random final thought from someone who's had a bit too much to drink. I can relate to this because earlier today, about an hour ago, actually, I wrote a poem about not wanting to fit in or conform, and to be totally individual and not a sheep. Plus I can relate to "to exist in a movie and have music play in the background when i see the one i love/i want to run away with someone and live in a tent together and smoke cigars and cry together"...just because. I got a lot out of this poem, I liked it a lot. I am tempted to say don't change a thing...Hmm, the winnie the pooh wanting his honey could also tie in with running away with someone and love, etc. And the valve in the radiator is an interesting twist to a line that could otherwise have been very overdone. Yeah, I liked this a lot.

Ya, I'm not sure what I think of the poem as a whole, a little too random for me BUT...

i'll leave before my family turn me into an adult

I really love this line. Very "Peter-Pan-ish." I think it is just a great line!