Young Writers Society

I'll remind everyone that I'm horrible at placing my poems in any one catergory, so forgive me if this is in the wrong place...

*******

Alright so I don’t know what to say anymore
Every time I come down to this blank paper
I can’t find the words to say anything
Nothing, natta, zip do da…
Isn’t that pretty?

I dance around my living room swaying to a beat I know you’ll love
If I can only play it for you
Have you sit on my bed and swing your feet and bob your head in tune to the music
Because you love the music,
Don’t you?

I’ve driven down the roads at three in the fucking morning
And gotten out of my car in the middle of some field
And lie on the grass and look at the stars and think;
Somewhere out there you’re looking at the stars too
And sometimes when driving I’ll feel that welling feeling that says that it’s time to write another of those driving poems and when I get home, well…
It’s gone again.

Do you do that to me?

A comedian on the television told me that love makes the career of a stand-up guy…
Go away
Because nothing ruins an act more then regular sex,
And I wonder if that’s happening to me?

Shit fuck,
I know I said I didn’t want to know
If it came between me and her,
But then I got to wondering and, well…
Who’d it be?
But I didn’t want to say that just now,
I didn’t mean it,
So ignore that again, just ignore me again.

And sometimes, you know, I just feel so damn hopeless,
I think that perhaps that perfect time won’t repeat itself,
That I can’t come back to what I had,
That I have to leave one of you,
To be with the other,
And I don’t know exactly where I want to be,
You know?

And this is so silly, cause I know both of you will read this,
And that you’ll stare at it and try to figure out how exactly it relates to you,
And wonder which relates to the other one,
And maybe you’ll think that I’m hopeless,
Which wouldn’t be surprising…

Because above all else I feel that I don’t deserve either of you.

Wow, somehow it has that feeling which makes me addicted to it! Its unusal in poems... PEOPLE REPLY TO THIS, ITS GOOD.

I liked this for the most part. I think you could have made it a little more powerful by replacing the cuss words with more descriptive words, but that's just me.

I really liked this stanza:

Tessitore wrote:And this is so silly, cause I know both of you will read this,
And that you’ll stare at it and try to figure out how exactly it relates to you,
And wonder which relates to the other one,
And maybe you’ll think that I’m hopeless,
Which wouldn’t be surprising…

Because above all else I fell that I don’t deserve either of you.

Duskglimmer wrote:I liked this for the most part. I think you could have made it a little more powerful by replacing the cuss words with more descriptive words, but that's just me.

Do you have anything that you suggest? Sometimes when I run outa words I just curse, and when I was afraid that I was going to stop writing the actual poem because I couldn't find words I just started to cuss... but do you have any specifics for what could be replaced? It'd really help.

And thanks to you both for your reviews.

The last line...is "fell" a pun?

I loved this piece; a very lively display of ripping of a person's emotions and ideas and counting factions till you realize it don't matter. It don't fucking matter.

Incandescence wrote:The last line...is "fell" a pun?

Heh. Whoops. Just a typo. I type too fast for my own good sometimes and this is what happens.

And thank you Incandescence, your opinion is very important to me on this forum and I'm glad that you enjoyed it.

Tessitore wrote:

Duskglimmer wrote:I liked this for the most part. I think you could have made it a little more powerful by replacing the cuss words with more descriptive words, but that's just me.

Do you have anything that you suggest? Sometimes when I run outa words I just curse, and when I was afraid that I was going to stop writing the actual poem because I couldn't find words I just started to cuss... but do you have any specifics for what could be replaced? It'd really help.

I'm trying to think of something that would fit... but my brain is currently on autopilot right now and doesn't like me trying to enter deviations into it's course... I'll let you know if I think of anything.