Young Writers Society

Hey, this is my first poem posted please tell me what you think

The untouched water hitting the shore
brand new rain drops knocking on my door

No leaves fallen
Nothing dead to step on

Nature writes it's poem
As the birds start to hum

II

When I walked in the path
the spring wind sang to me
I could hear it over the
birds wings flapping
it sang, about what I breath
about what feeds the orange flowers
I looked for the voice , right over a rose bush
then it stopped and became extremly hot

III
When I look up and feel summer's touch
The warm hands with no hard clutch
the toes nicely sink into the sand
while I stand and look 'round
I see the the limitless coulours of
blues, greens and the forever golden sun
the sun falls asleep;
the rain revives
welcoming fall again

IV
I look on summer and it's
sad farewell
but the fall colours colours convince me
to be happy; and it tries it's best
holding back, but the leafs fall
down,down,down
Softer than rain; it cures my pain
makes my frown go
up,up,up
And Autumm falls away
V
Winter has begun yet there is no snow
the rain gives the earth a nice cold shower
so we run and hide under shelter
Because we don't wanna see the earth naked
Once the shower it over
the earth dries itself itself with it's cold white towel
we lay in the towel then
break it apart and throw it at each other
Until there's none left, winter ends and the sun
burns away the clouds
VI
After that the night started to glow
And I watched the flowers turn to stone
Nature finished writting it's poem

I loved the imagry in this poem it start very powerful...

The untouched water hitting the shore
brand new rain drops knocking on my door ] Great start!

No leaves fallen
Nothing dead to step on

Nature writes it's poem
As the birds start to hum ] love it!!!

II

When I walked in the path
the spring wind sang to me
I could hear it over the
birds wings flapping
it sang, about what I breath
about what feeds the orange flowers
I looked for the voice , right over a rose bush
then it stopped and became extremly hot

III
When I look up and feel summer's touch
The warm hands with no hard clutch
the toes nicely sink into the sand
while I stand and look 'round
I see the the limitless coulours of
blues, greens and the forever golden sun
the sun falls asleep;
the rain revives
welcoming fall again ]]]] Love !

IV
I look on summer and it's
sad farewell
but the fall colours colours convince me ---> that didn't make sense I think its a typo?
to be happy; and it tries it's best
holding back, but the leafs fall
down,down,down
Softer than rain; it cures my pain
makes my frown go
up,up,up
And Autumm falls away
V
Winter has begun yet there is no snow
the rain gives the earth a nice cold shower
so we run and hide under shelter
Because we don't wanna see the earth naked ----> I tihkn you should change 'wanna' to want to, it just sounds out of place otherwise
Once the shower it over
the earth dries itself itself with it's cold white towel
we lay in the towel then
break it apart and throw it at each other
Until there's none left, winter ends and the sun
burns away the clouds
VI
After that the night started to glow
And I watched the flowers turn to stone
Nature finished writting it's poem


I'm sure there's so much more you could change on this but I'm not very good at picking things out I felt it was a powerful poem and thoroughly enjoyed it:)
wu

THANKS ALOT WULIE

I really love the imagery in this. However, the fourth stanza feels a little out of place...I can't really tell you why, it just feels like the rhythm's off when you look at the rest of it. Love it, though. If this is your first poem, this is excellent.

thanks

Yeah!!! I loved poem too!!! I oved the beginning two lines too! Keep Writing!

~Lollipop~

Thanks so much for the nice-o comments! very much appreciated!! Thanks again!

Absolutely beautiful! There aren't enough poets, especially teens, who write poetry about nature. Great work. Lovely imagery, and where you had rhyming, it worked really well.

thanks- you

Awesome poem!

Like everyone else I loved the first two lines

thank you! I'm glad you guys liked it.

I'd have to agree with Helen (Rei). Most poems written by teenagers are written about suicide and how someone did them wrong. Heh...it's all I write about. I must say, with you being thirteen, this is quite impressive. I wouldn't dare humiliate myself by putting my two year old poetry here. I hardly put my recent poetry on here.
However, you seem to be poetically inclined, and thanks to you starting to write such quality work at your age, you'll most like have a bright future in writing.

omg, thx chevy, that is really something to say.

Oh man, it was soooo good, though maybe a lot of it is just the state I'm in, but I loved it, utterly. I'll look at it later, and I'll be really really disappointed if I can't see what I see now, but that would be disappointed in myself, for losing the vibe. Tremendously done, I like it more that the other submission you had. And it is four is the morning.

Wow, thanks man.