Young Writers Society

"if I Died"
If I died the kids that I sit with at lunch at school would say
"That's that's too bad" and "awww" and
"I never liked her anyway"
The most would say
"who?"
Then someone would make a joke
and that would be the end of it
I have sat with them for over a year
some still do not know my name
I am a shrub to them
I don't mind
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This is a first draft and totally true, i plan on sitting somewhere else this year where i will be regarded as an human i
really don't like these girls, this is a first draft and i will be posting a second draft eventually, i need to add more humor to it while it is kinda sad, i know what it is like and want to through it off humorously please criticize and say what you like!
i didn't know if i should put it in narrative or not was my choice wrong?

First of all, please fix your spelling/typos. It's kind of off-putting to anyone who wants to take a serious look at your work. Also, you may want to organize your thoughts more and give them some more depth. As it is, it's hard to feel sorry for the narrator, because if you don't like where you're sitting and who you're sitting with, then go sit somewhere else. I think you would have more success with this if you tried to put a humorous twist on it, rather than coming at the reader from the "Oh woe is me" angle. I'm not trying to be mean, just giving you my opinion.

Yes, I agree with Dream...this poem/bunch of words needs a lot of editing...

yes i agree i am bad at spelling and stuff and i do not want it to be "woe is me" i hate that sort of stuff it needs to be funny i am trying to make it humorous but you might have to know me to see the mhumor in it and i never feel sory for myself, thankyou for replying

i fixed the spelling for the most part

oh and it might be bad cause i hardly ever do poetry.

this is good, it is just depressing, and doesnt seem to flow well, possibly if you rearanged some words or removed or changed some lines it would flow. this seems like a free write poem when you were depressed. keep working at it. :thumb: DQ :thumb:

God, DQ, i know everything i posted is total crud, don't keep saying its ok, i love harsh crits (with the exeption of my book, but that got deleted for reasons beyond me it even had proper grammar and spelling! i stopped for a while with it but am trying to continue again so i posted the exerpt from best story ever, i am not sure if it's up to par), and this was meant to be funny but i guess you have to meet me. Anyway all that you corrected is old.

what if i actually thought it was ok....

Then my dear boy, i wuold be forced to kill you.