Young Writers Society

I always wanted to be a strong, fearless person.
You know, the natural-born leader type.
You took one look at my life and,
As lovingly as possible,
Said, "Bullshit."

You placed it in a mirror so it could reflect back at me.
It was the first time I hadn't looked at it
Through a stained-glass window.

Shards of paranoia and weakness
Shine through in painful clarity.
But when I break this mirror,
Both of us will suffer the 7-year consequence.

So when you tell me what's wrong,
Don't just walk away.
You're the silver backing to my mirror, hon,
And you're stuck with me.
Imperfections and all.

"Through a stained-glass window."

I think this seems a little short... I would expand on it for just a little bit, maybe one more line. But, once again, you have an uncanny ability to make the last stanza so strong that it makes the powm powerful and yet meaningful.

The last two lines in the first stanza- I would try playing with the syntax. I think the word order on the two lines might better bring out the full meaning of the statement. You might trying experimenting with different punctuations.

Wonderful metaphors. The stained-glass window metaphor is excellent, however, I think phrasing it slightly differently might make it more effective. I think a slightly better connection might be made between "looked" and "through". Possibly moving "at it" somewhere else in the phrase.

"Shine through in painful clarity." See if you prefer using "in" or "with".

The "silver backing" metaphor I also like very much.

First off, Happy Birthday...I know that I always say this, but you are an excellent writer. This is nitpick, but I would say "a strong and fearless person." It just sounds stronger to me. I would put a comma after the word me instead of a period. I love your descriptions and metaphors. Excellent.

random question.. did you read this at club? now, becuase you love me, I get to nit-pick me comments in green, as always.


I always wanted to be a strong, fearless person.
You know, the natural-born leader type.
You took one look at my life and,
As lovingly as possible,
Said, "Bullshit." cynical, aren't we? line breaks annoy me slightly, but i can't come up with a better alternative. one line doesn't work, then it doesn't have as much of an impact.. OH! i know.

"you took one look at my life and said,
as lovingly as possible
bullshit"

er.. maybe not. but get the idea?

You placed it in a mirror so it could reflect back at me.
It was the first time I hadn't looked at it
Through a stained-glass window. me no likey, I think you can do better. the metahpor can work, but not the presentation. make it better. I'll think about this part and get back to you, if you haven't hit me over the head with a sledgehammer first, that is.

Shards of paranoia and weakness
Shine through in painful clarity.
But when I break this mirror,
Both of us will suffer the 7-year consequence. Sami dearest, no. take the first two lines, combine, me thinks, and shorten it! pack more punch.. the way I like it but I think you know what I mean. the seven year line breaks what flow you had.. so if it's intentional, well done, if not, work on it.

So when you tell me what's wrong,
Don't just walk away.
You're the silver backing to my mirror, hon, silver? I don't like that line just becuase Ag presents too much of a prestine image. walking away is not perfect, more like "illusions shattered". don't you dare use gold, either. doesn't work. or anyother metal, precious of not, for that. be original. Ag isn't. bek out
And you're stuck with me.
Imperfections and all.


but you know what annoys me the most? I liked this. gah, you can't even let me hate the things I think are wrong, can you? jeesh, give a girl a break.

I looked up how to make mirrors to see whether you were making sense or not, Mesh, and I found that silver is indeed used for mirrors. Unfortunately, silver can tarnish, which means every couple of years, you have to resilver the mirror. Aluminum is also a common silver, but it lasts 4-5 years.

Perhaps Aluminum can be used as symbolism?

But really... it seems that the mirror making industry uses silver. Or, if they use another metal, then they still call the metal the silver of the mirror, just because that's the common form.

EDIT:

Finally, in the mid-1800s, German organic chemist Justus von Liebig devised a method for depositing metallic silver onto a pre-etched glass surface by chemically reducing aqueous solutions of silver nitrate. This discovery was a significant advance in technology for an already well-established mirror industry, and heralded a new era in which mirrors could be produced from anything made with glass. Modern household and commercial mirrors have advanced a step further, and are usually made by sputtering a thin layer of aluminum or silver onto the back of a glass plate while enclosed in a vacuum. Scientific and optical instruments require more sophisticated fabrication techniques that include multi-layer vacuum deposition of thin films, specialized substrate materials, highly accurate polishing to extremely fine tolerances, and abrasion resistant protective coatings.

http://www.mic-d.com/curriculum/lightan ... rrors.html

Interesting stuff...

Which is why I used silver. *laughs*

Thanks guys. I'll try to work on it maybe later this week if I have the time. And Bek, yes I did read this at poetry club. It's the last one I read.

Impressive as always;

There's nothing for me to say that hasn't already said (curse you Mesh), and I don't really feel like beating a dead horse...so I'll leave it at that.

The best mirrors always show us as we are--Avoid carnivals.

--Dono

I wish I could wright as well, that is worth 5 stars

Reminds me s0mhow of the secret life of bees. I only looked at it because it shared the title of a book i am currently reading so, great title!