Endings (for Snoink!)

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Snoink wrote:Gah... you have such a dry tone. Why can't you be angsty and overdramatic like everyone else?

Just for you, m'dear.


ENDINGS

Look out your world escapes,
between the darkened corners of your mind;
when all your life you struggled to avoid,
the fear that comes behind.
But now your world is made of
fear and death in shades of black and grey;
and there is no escape,
because you always turn and fight too late.

Why does your world fall away?
And time is never here to stay.

So all your hopes and dreams have
crumbled like a castle made of sand;
and you're a begger stumbling through
a dead and dying desert land.
But when you see the world for
what it really is you realise;
The only life you get is suffering,
the only truth is lies.

Why does your world fall away?
And time is never here to stay.

So now you know the only thing
that ever stays the same is you,
and now your chances are all gone,
your time is up, your life is through.
Another generation fights itself
to try and reach the light;
but soon they'll know the only
real thing they'll ever do is die.

Another day, another life,
Another loves, another dies.
Just another ending in the mists of time.
The Oneday Cafe
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guess what?! I'm your first reply!!!!! That means I'm extremly cool and you know it.
LoveHorseshoe79 (4:28:03 PM): the worst thing is to make someone you love miserable because they are so scared to like someone else because you are always hovering over them

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So I think you captured the angsty and overdramatic thing. It's not unbearingly overdramatic, so that's good. The one thing that acts against you (and it acts against you in a bi way) is your very uneven rhyme scheme. The good thing is it isn't forced. The bad thing is it isn't organized, either. Throws off the flow quite a bit.
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death. ends. pian.
very melodramatic. i enjoyed it noethe less.
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The good thing is it isn't forced. The bad thing is it isn't organized, either. Throws off the flow quite a bit.

Yes, quite right; I realised that I actually should've posted these in the Lyrics. Each two lines is actually really one line; the split between them comes in the middle of words, sometimes. If you read the meter as if it were every two lines as one, it makes a little more sense.

That's all :)
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though we do not speak, we are by no means silent.




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I liked this better, if only there was more emotions in it, which in turn made it easier to read. XD

It actually flows nicely too. There's just a couple of spots which are awkward.

and there is no escape,
because you always turn and fight too late.

The rhmying is rather... er... forced, isn't it? ;)

And is it just me, or does this remind you of the lyrics of Pink Floyd? :P

Oh, and thanks. :)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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::bows::

I wrote it quite a long time ago; somehow, the lyrics got all over the internet. Weird how these things happen.
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though we do not speak, we are by no means silent.




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Beautiful
Just Beautiful

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I liked this. I can feel your emotion, but it needs better rhythme. Besides that it was good.
laney girl




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Love it bob!
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Still love it, Bob! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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Hmm. Interesting. I, personally, and very fond of a scattered rhyme scheme. However! Be aware (I'm sure you are, so now I'm just reminding) that when you break a line and rhyme the words and then end of the two new lines, you place added emphasis on the rhyme. When there is no formal rhyme scheme in a poem, and you rhyme two words--guess what! You place emphasis on those words. Be sure the emphasis is where you want it.
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nice and smooth and yes, very dramatic. philosophical too. i like it!
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