Sometimes it can take a couple days to get a review, but a review will come. There are many here who specifically only review those works with "0" replies. Plus, activity around here has slowed down a bit recently.
"war takes lives. "
The uncapitalized 'w' is a huge break from the style, and was very noticeable to me. Capitalize it!
"This is our war, our never-ending war on Hell and it’s spawn. "
Unless you're saying "it is spawn," get rid of the apostrophe. Even when "its" is in the possesive form, you do not use an apostrophe. One of those stupid exceptions to the rule... a wonder anyone learns English.
"Do not forget our victory, in another desert land, "
Get rid of that first comma. You make it sound like a cheap aside.
I like the contrast you use here. The first half sounds as if you oppose the war, while the second makes a strong case for the war. The speaker realizes that war is terrible, but then resigns himself to the idea that it is necessary. Whether or not the Iraq war is necessary is one thing, but I like the dichotomy you present here.
Your overall style in this poem is excellent. The constant repeating of some words at the beginning of a line is very effective and almost lyrical.
Thought you did a great job with this.
If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.
Isaac Asimov
this poem was quite well written and it did keep reading through it (uncommon these days, as i have almost no attention span recentely). however, the poem didn't really make me #feel#, it was quite clinical. it was an easy read, but it didn't have too much of an impact on me. it felt a little bit more like a speech then actual poetry. a lot of the ideas in here about war are nothing new and ones thought of before. try looking at war from all different angles and then building and expanding on images already in the poem, to try and put more emotion in it.
"Little more than the rotting corpse of its past regime. "
"How many of our mothers will receive folded flags? " - these lines both really stood out for me, i thought they were very powerful.
"And Matt Muir. Matt Muir, he's the sweetest guy. Have you ever looked into his eyes? It's like the first time I heard the Beatles" Superbad
Wow, that was sad, and interesting. Very opinionated, lol. <-- I'm not laughing at your poem, of course. Sorry. Don't get me wrong.
A few things:
War shows no mercy,
War takes lives.
War is the supreme widower.
But war, this war, is necessary.
The first three lines here go together nicely, but with the first line in the next stanza, it gets pretty repetitive.
Do not forget the rape of Pfc. Lynch,
Um.. I wouldn't use abreviations of titles in poetry, because it makes a variable in how its suposed to be read. Should the reader pronounce it as the abreviation, or replace it in their mind with the entire thing? Maybe I'm the only one who does that... :p
But do not let them lie in vain…
Maybe you should only use one period here, because it seems to trail off instead of being a definative end.
Jennafina's Love Your Body Already Dammit Campaign
Gender:
Points: 890
Reviews: 67