Young Writers Society

"From Here On Out, I Fly"


The veld looks so still,
Even as the winds serpent, viper and python.
But the storm is behind me, and Hell before.
The dark abyss of dreary souls below
Existence used to be discrete moment of pleasure or sadness
But lately life is a continuous lavaflow of Death.
And here comes the fall...

But the voices of my heroes are inspiration
From their good words I construct a pair of wings
I catch a ride even on the warm thermals of bygone times and good memories
Their scoldings are a safety harness
Hell is below, Instructions within me like a lifemap
My real life is just over the horizon
So from here on out I fly.

I love it
my favorite lines are:

The storm is behind me but Hell before

and

- when existence was a simple puzzle -
Now becomes an discernible torrent

Hey It's Soulkana here ^^,
Well first think I have to say is that I absolutely enjoyed the emotion in this. It was nicely well done. I must point out that you should probably shorten the lines so the flow comes out better. But nothing I can see is spelled wrong. I just believe you should makes the lines around the same length. With that advice I wish you luck. I would also like to point out I understood your avatar XD. Go math~~!!! XD.
SIncerely,
Soulkana

Thanks for the comments - properly edited.

I truly enjoyed the theme and the concept of your poem. Shocks! I love your avatar (I don't know how it is called)! Simply because I also love Math ) I want to save it on my PC. Will it be alright? Haha. PEACE!

Really nice, like the way it started out really dark but lifted toward the end, nice choice of words too, the lines were a bit long, but i think that made it special...really nice!!! n liked the picture lool,

I liked this poem,but one thing i didn't get was

Even as the winds serpent,viper and strike.

personally it didnt make sense, but i did get what you trying to say. thats all i really have to so bye!

I hear you indian... I originally intended to make it mimick the motion of snakes moving through a large field to get the image of what it actually is like but I don't know where the 'strike' came from. Edited, thank you.

Hello TheNewhero,

I really liked this. The expressive language created loads of imagery and I enjoyed reading this poem for the interesting language and the amazing scene that I could picture in my mind from just your words. I liked how this poem went really deep and how well you managed to connect the poem and the picture without having to describe the picture itself. Honestly this was great! Okay, now for a hopefully good review!

My REAL LIFE is just over the horizon

First of all if i were you I wouldn't capitalize bits like this to emphasize them. Try italicizing them or emboldening them or even (if you want to take a risk) underlining it! I think it would just give it a more flowing poetic feel and it wouldn't be so jaunty and messy. That's just my opinion though!

Next, I think this needs a bit more punctuation. There isn't very much punctuation on the end of every line to break up the poem a bit more an I think it needs the punctuation like any other piece of writing to tie it together and you should make the effort to put a bit of punctuation in. For the readers benefit above all. It helps if the reader can hear how it should sound in their head just by looking and punctuation does that!

My favorite lines out of everything would have to be,

But the voices of my heroes are inspiration
From their good words I construct a pair of wings

because it sounds so soothing and beautiful, also it makes me imagine that feeling.

Existence used to be discrete moment of pleasure or sadness
But lately life is a continuous lavaflow of Death.
And here comes the fall...

because I can relate to that feeling of sudden falling into nothingness and it put it into words perfectly for me.

Overall this is a really neat piece of work that I thoroughly enjoyed reading. Apart from the couple of surface features that I pointed out I honestly thought it was flawless and I want to read it over and over again. If you have any questions or you would like another review then please PM me and I would be happy to help!

From DreamingForever