Young Writers Society

Note : I sometimes post poems as notes on my facebook account under the alias "Pseudonymous Rex". I just wanted to make it clear so that if someone stumbles across this there, he/she should know that this isn't plagiarised material.

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Frozen he stood, ever a void in the darkness
Suffocating, drowning in the shadows doubt had cast
Cracked was now his iron will,
Frozen he stood, blind, eyes clouded with ghosts of his past

He remembered the happy days, those without a care
He remembered the sacrifices made
Losing himself in what once was
He remembered a time of happiness, of laughter shared
But the vision shattered, its splinters stabbed his mind
He remembered his mother’s tears, a raised fist
He remembered all the taunts from behind
Losing himself in his hate
Renewed again was this prince’s agony of old

Steel fang in hand, he stood frozen in time
Deliberating, lost in the deep caverns of his mind
Knowing not now, whether to strike or pass
Still frozen he stood, wrestling with the ghosts of his past

--

QUICK REPLY= I loved it, beautiful and intense images, you spelt "losing" as "loosing" once so check that, favourite line was definitely "But the vision shattered, its splinters stabbed his mind" - a beautiful way to twist a cliche. Maybe change "cracked was now" to "cracked now was" and "stood he" to "he stood", they may have been intentional but maybe it would flow more if they were normally placed.... otherwise I repeat I loved it and some of the twists you put in were amazing!!! Hope this was helpful and remember I'm just giving an opinion. Also hopefully I can come back and give a longer review later,
T x

Tranquility wrote:QUICK REPLY= I loved it, beautiful and intense images, you spelt "losing" as "loosing" once so check that, favourite line was definitely "But the vision shattered, its splinters stabbed his mind" - a beautiful way to twist a cliche. Maybe change "cracked was now" to "cracked now was" and "stood he" to "he stood", they may have been intentional but maybe it would flow more if they were normally placed.... otherwise I repeat I loved it and some of the twists you put in were amazing!!! Hope this was helpful and remember I'm just giving an opinion. Also hopefully I can come back and give a longer review later,
T x

Thanks
And that "loosing" thing always comes back to bite my ass when I'm not looking. But thanks to you I corrected it and hopefully didn't make a fool of myself.
I also changed "stood he" to "he stood" as you suggested but I left "cracked was now" as it is since it was intended to be like that(although flawed it maybe).
Thanks again.

Intense and beautifully written, sharp and hitting the point each time!!! nice work!!!likey the name too!!

I love this. You have created such beautiful imagery and yet have packed so much emotion into it. Your word choice is superb and the rhythm is without a flaw. I adore the last stanza; it's the perfect way to end the poem. But, I have to say that my favorite line is:

But the vision shattered, its splinters stabbed his mind

It delivers such a powerful image and I've never heard anything like it before. :) Overall, awesome poem! Sorry that this wasn't a very helpful review, but I couldn't find anything wrong with your work. I can't wait to read more!

Rachael :D

this is awesome. I love your tone, I think I reviewed another one of your poems too, and I just really like the way you word everything. this makes it sound like they're almost midevil, and written long ago rather than now in the 21st century by a young writer. And yes, that was a compliment. Anyway, I didn't catch any mistakes here. You might still reread it and make sure there are none, but I didn't see any. I guess the lack of punctuation (other than commas) kind of bugged me, but I was so cought up in the words that I didn't really notice until I had finished reading.
the whole poem flowed well, you had good rhythm, good length. I don't have much to say, sorry. Not much of a review. But this was good and I had to say something.

This is suuper amazing Strong vocabulary, flows nicely. It left a few questions in my mind, such as 'what was this steel fang?' Although, not in a bad way
"Cracked was now his iron will,
Frozen he stood, blind, eyes clouded with ghosts of his past" <-- this part was my favorite, but I also liked the entire first stanza.
It also makes me wonder where you got your inspiration for this...? It makes a really cool poem
Also! I added Pseudonymous Rex on facebook (hope you don't mind O.O). I'm hoping to read more of your poems! I love the word 'pseudonymous,' I first heard it in the book The Name of This Book is Secret by Pseudonymous Bosch. Alright, now I'm just rambling... I tend to do that '^_^
Overall, great poem, really powerful and beautiful. Packs a punch
Keep writing! I want to read more of your work