Young Writers Society

I am merely a prop in a play;
an everlasting play of monotony and emulation.
I am surrounded by false faces and futile conversations.
I beat my bloody fists against this relentless cage of routine;
screaming, trying to be heard, but the world is deaf to me;
I stand on the highest peek, fall to a slow death, but the world is blind,
and the songs in this play are old and withering.

The few who dare to jump off the stage
are left to write their own story:
a tragedy; where they win, fail, and die; forgotten.
I, in my attempt;
to walk off the stage,
to be heard,
to be seen,
to be diverse, and to be me,
fell instead.
But I'll show the world a story
where a girl falls,
rises by herself,
and writes the most beautiful book
the world has ever read.

This is fantastic. Well, for the most part, you could make the image a little stronger in the second part. I found two lines particularly cumbersome and wasteful.

I, in my attempt to walk off the stage,

I think this would be stronger if you broke it in two, eg,

I, in my attempt;
to walk off the stage,
to be heard,
to be seen,

also this little zinger here.

to break loose from these shackles,

This is hideously cliché. Please change it, immediately. If you find yourself using lines like
'break these shackles' - stop and take a break because you are getting lazy.
Also the last two lines are a bit ham-handed too. It almost makes the rest of the poem seem desperate, leave it vague. Don't define an aspiration because you pigeon hole the reader, in a way.

JP

I liked this poem, but it was not my favorite. However, I think the main idea could turn out to be really beautiful, with a little work!

I thought mainly that your theme and point were vague. I can see that you were trying to get across a message about life and a certain person's (you) situation, but it's hard to glean much from it. Also, I couldn't see a point you were trying to get across. Maybe be more specific in your choices of how to portray what you really want to portray in this poem.

an everlasting play of monotony and emulation.

I did not like this line. I thought it was too much. Although big words are good, usually, this line is long and overcrowded, and "monotony" and "emulation" do not sound good so close together, since in this case they mean very similar things anyways, maybe change "emulation" to something simpler, like repeat or another such word that is more common and less long.

and writes the most beautiful book
the world has ever read.

These last two lines do not serve as a good ending. They are very unexpected, which is sometimes good but isn't in this case. Most of all, they sound forced. I would end the poem with something that has more to do with the rest of the poem. This does not, really.

Anyways, besides these, I liked this poem a lot and I think it could be made really great!