Young Writers Society

Yearning, craving, wanting, slavering,
A hunger too intense to ignore,
I wish and want, I will, I won't,
To live and love, deplore.
Oh! To slumber in your arms,
Those blue eyes in which to drown,
Sweet rose-pink lips to touch, to kiss,
And charcoal hair to crown.

The lust, the need, my love, I bleed!
My heart it stutters, aches,
I need you here, I need to hear,
My name from your lips, to taste.
That sunlight sweet and saccharine,
The golden glory that you bare,
It sends me blind and blanks my mind,
To stutter and stumble, to stare.

A glance, a glimpse, a smile I think,
A backwards glance to treasure,
A flicker, a cry, the sparkle in your eye,
And a memory to hold, forever.
I need, I plead, I desperately plead,
That we'll always be together,
Close to the heart but miles apart,
With a bond too strong to sever.

I think this is brilliant. I love the rhyming scheme. The only problem was that in line three in the last verse, there's one too many syllables. Apart from that, it's perfect. The idea, the rhymes, the words, all of that. And even though it's about love, I thought it was very original.

you've a written a fine poetry!! i really appreciate your effort...!!
but there are some mistakes that i want to point out. first of all,you don't need to put commas everywhere,it just spoils the presentation,but you gotta know that the title blends with the poem's plot very well!!
i think that this poem could be extended,and the meaning would be more clear.the chances of misinterpretating it remains high!
but don't demotivate yourself by this criticisms.you're a fine poet,you got aptitude!!:)
i'm also still learning how to write..so,don't bother!!
keep writing and keep on shining!! all the very best!!:):)

Hello, I'm Forti. I've been on YWS for almost a year, but I've never heard of you. I just want to introduce myself(:

I love your poem. It's quite lovely, actually. I really enjoyed it. Shall we get started on the review?

Spoiler! :

Alrighty, this one has a bit of a rhythm to it, and so long as you get the rhythm going you should be alright (I hope!) I'm also hoping that this doesn't look like a random mash-up of words and commas... Clever? Dodgy? Makes no sense? Let me know! Oh, and by the way, the use of 'slavering' here does not mean slobbering!

Interesting. Ever think of maybe putting this to music and make more of a song than a poem? Just a thought. Any who, I liked your little disclaimer/intro. Cute(:

Yearning, craving, wanting, slavering,
A hunger too intense to ignore,
I wish and want, I will comma, I wont,
To live and love, deplore.
Oh! To slumber in you arms,
And T those blue eyes in which to drown,
Sweet rose-pink lips to touch, to kiss,
And C charcoal hair to crown.

My preference is to not use the words "and" and "but" at the beginning of a line. Similar to the fact that we were taught as little kids that they aren't "proper" words to begin a sentence with.

The lust, the need, my love, I bleed!
My heart it stutters, aches,
I need you here, I need to hear comma,
My name from your lips, to taste.
That sunlight sweet and saccharine,
The golden glory you bare,
It sends me blind and blanks my mind,
To stutter and stumble, to stare.

You did a very good job in the first stanza of using punctuation at the end of every sentence, don't stop now!

A glance, a glimpse, a smile I think,
A backwards glance to treasure,
A flicker, a cry, the sparkle in your eye comma,
And a memory to hold, forever.
I need, I plead, I desperately plead,
That we'll always be together,
Close to the heart but miles apart,
With a bond too strong to sever.

Ahh. I'm in heaven. This is magnificent! And I truly mean that(: You kept punctuation even by using it at the end of every line. You kept capitalization even by capitalizing the first letter of every line. Awesome(: I can't think of anything more that I need to say!

It was nice, getting a chance to review your poem. TTFN(: ~Fortissimo

Hi.
I found this poem really good.
I love the way words are knitted together. It is a work of art.
I think it is brilliant!
Keep on writing!
Teresa