Young Writers Society

Standing here, right inside the door
looking out at the rain, thinking.
Do I risk it? Or do I
stay here and think about enjoying myself.

Standing here, right outside the door
looking at the wonderful downpour.
Some of the cold water hits me,
and I quickly make my choice.

The freezing water shocks me at first,
But I just stand there and giggle.
The water is coming down hard,
But my mind is racing faster.

Dry again, I sit and think
About whatever is on my mind
Sometimes, if you need to think,
Go stand in the rain.

Hmm.... I like the idea, but the way it's written seems a bit too choppy, or forced. It doesn't flow all that great (no offense)

In the first stanza, you're kind of breaking things up where they don't need to be broken up.

Standing here, right I don't think you need that extra word in there- it's a little stumbling block inside the door
looking out at the rain, thinking. No period here. Punctuation in poems is very tricky... I'd say either a ; or a ,
"Do I risk it?
Or do I
stay here and think about enjoying myself?"

Even as it is, I think the last line just doesn't fit quite right... But it could just be me...

Sorry to leave you hanging, but I have to go; I've been sick, and my mom wants me to get to bed. I'll complete the review- and throw in what I did like about this- tomorrow, if I get a chance. =)

Keep writing! It's really not as bad as my time limit made it sound

~The Scratt

ooh, its really nice, i actually nice the lightness and jumpiness of it, i think we need more poetry like this,happy poetry about the little things that make life beautiful...to much dark poetry these days. I love how its playful...reading this just made me smile!!!! big ups!!!! me likey me likey ALOT!!!

Hey there, I'm Forti(: Lemme say, I've reviewed many poems on YWS and your's is very good compared to the others. Just a few small nitpicks and then a helpful tip or two, and I will be on my way(:

Standing here, right inside the door comma,
looking out at the rain, thinking.
Do I risk it? Or do I stay here comma,
stay here and think thinking about enjoying myself.

A slight phrasing issue here, which I only changed because sometimes you use punctuation at the end of each line, and sometimes you don't.

Standing here, right outside the door comma,
looking at the wonderful downpour.
Some of the cold water hits me,
and I quickly make my choice.

Awesome(: But you missed a comma

The freezing water shocks me at first,
But I just stand there and giggle.
The water is coming down hard,
But my mind is racing faster now.

Possibly add the word now at the end of the fourth line!? It gives the reader a feeling that quite some time has gone by between when the character was debating going outside, and actually stepping out. Time lapse, in a sense. Yah know...

Dry again, I sit and think comma,
A about whatever is on my mind period.
Sometimes, if you need to think,
G go stand in the rain.

I STRONGLY recommend adding a stanza between this one and the previous one. What you have now is "The character doesn't want to go outside, but decides to anyway. It's pouring, and the water feels good and makes his/her heart beat faster. Know they're dry and have found that pouring rain is a good thinking place. What you lack is how the rain really made the character feel(: Work on it. Something like: "It was exhilarating. I've never felt something so amazing. I loved it," and even more.

One hint: If you use a comma at the end of a line, the first letter of the next line is lowercase. **UNLESS YOU DECIDE TO DO THE FIRST LETTER OF EVERY LINE UPPERCASE, which is okay.

Second hint: Always use punctuation at the end of a line, and limit its use in the middle of a line.

Third hint: Try not to use the words "but" and "and" at the beginning of a line. Just like you probably know you shouldn't use them at the beginning of a sentence.

Okay, let me start off by informing you that I love rain. I have painted it, photographed it, written about it and most importantly, danced in it. Just so you know, I truly love rain; I think it is magical and wonderful. I am saying this because I didn’t get any real and raw emotion from this piece. I am not saying every poem has to be depressing, but the best poems, whether it be past or present, hold a certain raw emotion to them. Your piece came across as slightly childish to me, and almost pointless. Not the poem itself, just the overall idea. You, I think, were trying to convey to us readers that when your mind needs to shut down, reboot, and think, the rain can enhance ones ability and fulfill that need. At least that’s what I got out of this poem.

I am sorry if you are looking at this and thinking I am incredibly rude or mean, but I don’t like to lie in my reviews.

I think there are parts to your piece that just dont flow...

Like right here,

Or do I
stay here and think about enjoying myself.

This line is awkward and should be its own solid line.

The water is coming down hard,
But my mind is racing faster.

What is your mind racing about? The entire point is the rain being what helps you think. ABOUT WHAT?? Writing, to me, is a way to tell people about who you are, lies or not, on paper, using something amazing, words. I didnt learn anything about you in this poem, and I wish I had.

I think you have a great idea here, good luck and keep writing!

~SnowBerry

I like it! I mean, i like light poems. And I love rains too

On the other hand, I don't really understood the whole poem. I get the part that rain is a good place to think and decide. I find rain a place to cry and the like. But I just think the whole delivery or the idea, I don't get it.

Keep writing