z

Young Writers Society


Getting Ahold of Me.



User avatar
129 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 129
Fri Dec 02, 2005 11:48 pm
Mattie says...



Do you like your home sweet home?
You’re living in the corner of my eye.
Planting poison and spreading lies.

While one is beautifully moving,
the other painfully shy.
And why, why do I require,
every last drop of your desire?
Every last laugh that you evade?
Made with your innocence,
but astutely displayed.

Oh, I cannot turn away.
For your fingers have got a hold on me.
Wrapped round my neck, remolding me.
Stealing my thoughts and withholding me.
Leaving me here in a desiccated mess.
Lost in these feelings I cannot express,
obsessing and distressing as I try to progress.

I must confess I am nothing less,
than a pile on your floor.
Agonizing for one word more,
one more look, one more door
to follow you through,
and watch you explore.
Experience a whole world,
from the depths of your gaze.

After tonight,
I’ll concede my praise.
I’ll surrender to my evils ways.
End up spending the rest of my days,
trying to make you as jealous as I am today.
Set you ablaze and into a craze,
so you can see just what I’m feeling inside.

You can feel just like these feelings I hide,
and you’ll understand all the ways that I've died,
all the times that I’ve cried,
all the reasons why I’ve lied.

For you'll be set aside and denied,
watching from the outside,
as someone new inhabits my eye.
  





User avatar
665 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 6165
Reviews: 665
Sat Dec 03, 2005 12:08 am
Chevy says...



A bit lengthy...sometimes length can be good but it can get boring. I liked the subject and this would fit very well in a story of some sort.

Chevy's Critiquing Scale
far left colon - not so great
far right colon - excellent

Title ..... | : - - - -|
Flow ..... | - : - - -|
Creativity ..... | - - : - -|
Imagery ..... | - : - - -|
Vocabulary ..... | - - - : -|
Consistency ..... | - - - : -|
Length ..... | : - - - -|
Emotion ..... | - : - - -|
Ending ..... | - - : - -|

Overall ..... | - - : - -|
when there's nowhere to go, it's time to grow up.
  








she slept with wolves without fear, for the wolves knew there was a lion among them.
— r.m. drake