Perfect

Spoiler

I don't post my poetry, usually it's very deep, personal stuff. So this is a one time thing, it doesn't rhyme that well, but it doesn't flow as a short story.

Why can’t I emulate the immaculate pellucid emotional mask that you wear?
A clear window into the very bottom of your pure, scar free soul.
You have nothing to hide
Nothing but pride
You don’t have to cover your darkest dreams and nightmares
Or the lack there of.

Why am I left to look above?
Wanting your love, your approval?
From the bottom of your mountain
This fountain of success will never run dry for you.
You’re perfect,

A shining star above all
Give us a taste
We follow with haste
Envy and jealousy of the limpid, the lucid
Who wouldn’t be?

But then I see,
I get closer and I see what you do, the way you act.
I was blinded by the self made cataract
I didn’t want to see.
I thought you were the very best,
But you couldn’t stand devil’s test
Of patience.

Your perfection gave you power, and over time you were corrupted.
I’m watching you now, you make them bow
The blind followers who believe in you
They trusted you; they’d have served you to the end
But you neglected them, what were they worth to you?
Because you’re perfect

Their happiness turns to sadness, then anger, their love to hatred.
They gave you all their trust but you betrayed it
So now they march,
Step step step
Weapons in hands, boots laced
Shouting commands, you’re cornered.
You have no fear, they can’t hurt you,
Because you’re perfect.

They bring you down to the ground
They beat you with sticks,
The blood and dirt mix, they’ve got you now
I’m stopping them, the crowds disperse
I offer my hand, I raise you up
You’ve helped me, I realize, through your lies
That the mask you wore wasn’t a window, it’s a mirror.

I have no reason to abuse you
You’ve paid the price for your treason
I’ll hurt no more
You’ve given me the confidence, the self defense
Of an angel, maybe that’s what you are.

So now I thank you, give you the clothes off my back
For different reasons, I’m no longer a blind follower
Doing what I’m told, you’d never scold me.
Maybe that’s how you hurt me.

It doesn’t matter now; you can cow me no longer
I’m stronger now.
Because I’m perfect.

Spoiler

Interpret the ending as you will, I know what I was thinking when I wrote it, and I know what can be thought of it.
Also, please ignore my choice of words and grammar, I want opinions on the overarching story and content of the piece. I plan on going back and revising with a thesaraus in one hand and a piece of cake in the other

Wow you use big words!!! hahaha =) I liked your poem =D It had a lot of emotion in it and although I didn't fully understand thats okay because it adds mystery hahaha =] I thought it was really interesting and different in a good way =D You made a really good poem! Hahahaha =D Keep writing =)

Poems can be well written but with too big words. If the average reader can't understand the words they won't like the poem because they aren't going to stop and take the time to look up the "big words". Just a thought. What age group are you wanting to read this? Only other writers that would probably know these words or others of all ages that may not know them. I know most of the bigger words you used. If I was reading a poetry book I wouldn't stop to look up the big words I don't understand.

Other than that, it's a good poem.

It was okay. It did not flow as smoothly as I like my poems but all and all it was good with plenty of meaning.

Keep it up,
~FW~

This poem is as you say, personal, but not much more. I felt like the big fancy words were wasting my time, over modifying certain phrases and nouns into meaninglessness. I think you started getting into metaphors, trying them maybe with mountains, cataracts, but they all seem weak and malformed. Try exploring the metaphors a little more before you abandon them, really the only one that comes back is the mask. If it were my poem, I think I'd try to push that mask thing as far as it would go, you know what I mean? As for the story, I thought it was boring and self-serving. There weren't very many real... actions... you know? Just emotions and perceptions, I didn't have anything real to cling onto, I guess. I don't know why poets seem scared of specific detail and events, they seem to think the more vague and abstract, the better, but I disagree. Specificity is what draws me in, I think. I crave organic structures: 'the real.'

best,

Wow. Biiiiiiiig words. Yeah, I agree with kathy45662, when she said that poems can be well written without such large words. Overall, I thought the poem was really good, except the flow was shaky at points. I noticed that you had some punctuation, but not in the entire thing. I think it might look nicer if you used it for the whole thing if you're going to use some. Here's a few suggestions.

You have nothing to hide,
Nothing but pride.
You don’t have to cover your darkest dreams and nightmares,
Or the lack there of. Isn't there of supposed to be one word?

From the bottom of your mountain,
This fountain of success will never run dry for you.
You’re perfect,

A shining star above all.
Give us a taste;
We follow with haste,
Envy and jealousy of the limpid, the lucid.

But then I see.
I get closer, and I see what you do, the way you act.
I was blinded by the self-made cataract.
I didn’t want to see.
I thought you were the very best,
But you couldn’t stand devil’s test
Of patience.

I’m watching you now; you make them bow,
The blind followers who believe in you.
They trusted you; they’d have served you to the end.

They gave you all their trust, but you betrayed it.
So now they march,
Step, step, step,
Weapons in hands, boots laced.
Shouting commands, you’re cornered.

This is getting long, and I'm running out of time, so I just want to mention that the last couple of stanzas could use some periods at the ends of the sentences.