Young Writers Society

This is in the same vein as my other poem, Gaol, though hopefully this one will get more feedback! I'm not sure it's as strong as the other, but there were bits about it I really liked, once they were written.


CHESS IS FOR LOVERS

So, my dear, appears we have a
stalemate in the remnants of the board;
You and I have stricken gold, turned
the powers that be to glare and bloody sparks.

I don't question (never have done)
but I can refuse to answer, silent
witness to a spiral you inflict
upon yourself. My belief in
faith and reason does me justice,
but to you, become the thing
you always knew I would deny.
My head is up, my hands entwined
in fists, but not untouched; no,
I am the source of all that I have done
and as such lose whatever you will be.

I move, no longer knight or bishop,
but a tower with a beating basalt heart;
strike not against my walls, O ivy soul
lest in doing so your stinging breaks us all.

The chess metaphors are kinda clever, but nothing special, and I feel the middle stanza is weak and is not powerful enough to convey the right sort of message to me, the reader.

I was confused and found the whole thing jumbled, especially the middle stanza. I think this needs to be developed more.

:-k I think the second stanza is quite long and with the use of run on lines it becomes hard to follow. Maybe by splitting it up and adding a bit more clarity it would become easier to read.

So, my dear, appears we have a
stalemate in the remnants of the board;

It think there should be an "it" in the first line. This is quite an interesting way of starting a poem though.