Young Writers Society

OK, now it's in the right place I hope!

A Shortcut To The Sea

The velvet-soft
Quiet
Of Night.
My skin thrills
At the touch of
Chill wind.
Steep steps
With no end
that I can see,
And a hand to guide me
Gripping tight.

My senses
In flames,
As the shadow creeps
Up my legs.
I might drown in it;
I don't care.
No more than a footstep
On level ground
And the hand that grips
Pulls me back.

Suddenly
Hands find
Bare shoulders;
The space
Between bodies
Vanishes;
And your mouth on mine...
I'm breathless.

And there is no sound
But the sea
Breathing for us.


I wanted to write something about this, and this is my first attempt. I feel like it's maybe too direct and simple, but I don't know how someone else would see it! Any thoughts, please share them! I'm especially uncertain about that 'Suddenly'; it feels too much, but without it it's not enough! I need someone else's perspective! Thanks.

I liked this a lot. Interestingly written. I think I would have ignored the 'suddenly' part if you hadn't pointed it out, but since I did notice it, here's my thoughts: personally I think you could take it out altogether, OR if you still want something there, I would use a different, more powerful word. But your language use was overall strong. And I don't think this is either direct or simple! Part of the reason I liked it so much was that it could mean many things, there's many emotions the reader can bring to it, and just a lot of possible interpretations. Beautiful job.

I liked it, and honestly have no criticism. As for the "Suddenly", it fits okay, but the poem wouldn't suffer without it or any other word there. Great job.