Young Writers Society

In the moment of grief
I was numb to the pain
Running deep to the core of my being.

Now the ache of my heart
Is returned by the mirror
As I vacantly stare at my reflection.

How long will I feel this?
Will I hurt so forever?
Is life as unfair as they say?

The wound will be healed.
and the bruise, it will leave.
But the scar will remain to keep memory clear.

Now no more can I do.
Oh but when strength has failed me,
I must go beyond what I feel, what I see.

I know Heaven has seen all.
When this pain overwhelms me
I can ask God to hold me, when no one else will.

He reaches out for my burden
Then puts it on Himself.
Now He feels all the things I've been freed from.

As he wraps grace around me,
I bask in His warm love
And thank Him for taking my pain.


Sorry if this is in the wrong forum... I couldn't decide!?!
I'm sure this is FULL of errors, I wrote it kinda fast, but comments would be appreciated... I think

-Amice-

I really liked the message here... it's so true. Here's a well-earned critique for ya.

In the moment of grief
I was numb to the pain
Running deep to the core of my being.

First 2 lines were very good. If you found a stronger word for 'grief' it might suck the reader in more, but I think the first 2 lines are fine as they are. The 3rd line was a good elaboration, but 'being' seems out of place. I suggest keeping the idea but just rewording it a little.

Now the ache of my heart
Is returned by the mirror
As I vacantly stare at my reflection.

Wow... I really liked this. The idea of seeing your own pain in the reflection is amazing. Very nicely done!

How long will I feel this?
Will I hurt so forever?
Is life as unfair as they say?

This is pretty good. The 1st line seemed a little awkward, but it's probably just me. Questions are sometimes not fitting in a poem, but they work pretty well here.

The wound will be healed.
and the bruise, it will leave.
But the scar will remain to keep memory clear.

Awesome! I love your contrast and making a different between the wound, bruise and scar here

Now no more can I do.
Oh but when strength has failed me,
I must go beyond what I feel, what I see.

Very good stanza to lead into the next one. I love your 2nd line, but I think you need a comma after 'Oh' not sure though

I know Heaven has seen all.
When this pain overwhelms me
I can ask God to hold me, when no one else will.

This is so true and so beautiful and I really like it. My only suggestion is keeping the idea in the 3rd line but perhaps rewording it a little.

He reaches out for my burden
Then puts it on Himself.
Now He feels all the things I've been freed from.

1st line is good, but I think the 2nd 2 lines need some work. I don't think 'put' is a strong enough verb for this idea. Perhaps.. 'And bears it seflessly' or soemthing like that. The 3rd line, againm 'feel' isn't strong enough in my opinion, but I can't think of another verb for it off the top of my head.

As he wraps grace around me,
I bask in His warm love
And thank Him for taking my pain.

This is good, but I don't think it concludes the poem very well. I suggest another, conclusive stanza after it. Just something simple like 'This love. This love that has endured my pain for me' or something around that line.

I love this poem; it has a such a good message. More imagery and better word choice would make this even better, so please keep writing.

Mkay, I made a few alterations... is this any better?? :-k


In the moment of anguish
I was numb to the pain
That was silently killing my spirit.

Now the ache of my heart
Is returned by the mirror
As I vacantly stare at my reflection.

How long will I feel this?
Will I hurt so forever?
Is life as unfair as they say?

The wound will be healed.
and the bruise, it will leave.
But the scar will remain to keep memory clear.

Now no more can I do.
O! but when strength has failed me,
I must go beyond what I feel, what I see.

I know Heaven has seen all.
When this pain overwhelms me
I ask God to hold me; no one else will.

He reaches for my burden
Then bears it all Himself.
He selflessly endures the things I've been freed from.

As he wraps grace around me,
I bask in His warm love
And thank Him for taking my pain.

O! Blissful escape!
This balm, this solace!
My suffering is lost in His love for me.