Brightness

Tonight the stars are in your eyes,
The moonshine in your hair;
I’d take you up to touch the sky,
But nothing is out there.

All the light in all this dark,
Exists around your face;
All the sparks my heart will need
Ignite within your gaze.

And without you, I fear I’m blind,
It is too dark to see.
No light can be, no glow can be
If you are not with me.

I’d take you up to touch the sky,
But, love, I cannot see.
My moon and stars are all with you,
And you—are not with me.


----
Yes, loves, allow me to be cheesy.

Hello Knightly Angel!

I really enjoyed your poem. Yes it was a cheesy but I pushed that aside and I really liked it Just one thing:

All the sparks my heart will need
Ignites inside your gaze.

I think that 'Ignites' should be 'Ignite' because it makes more sense if you read it aloud.

Other than that I thought you had the rhythm spot on, and the rhyme scheme wasn't forced which was great. I loved the twist at the end with the fact that she wasn't there, it was a very sad line.

So, overall, a very sweet little poem, well done!

Keep Writing, (Clicks the Like button!)
~Lydia

Hello there, knight!

I like how you begin with your first line, it's interesting. It would automatically catch the reader's attention. The flow of the poem and the rhyme scheme is really good. I like the last stanza because it's good to put a nice touch at ending part.
Keep writing!

peace out!

Hi!

Aww, this was so adorable. It may have been a little cheesy, but it's all good. I can really tell that the narrator loves this girl that this poem is about! If I was given a poem like this, it would really make my day. However, I have one little comment to make. Can you describe what the narrator likes about her besides her appearance? Even though a lot men are attracted to women through beauty, it's a superficial reason, and girls always like to here about how they're nice and whatever.

This was really good, though. PM me if you have any questions!

-Elinor xo

Hey, fellow Knight! I'm here to review.

Well, I'll ignore the cheesiness (the small amount there is) and focus on the things that I liked.

Your imagery! 'twas awesome! It makes me think of fantasy and magic and Avatar and mystical creatures and Avatar. Did I mention it reminds me of Avatar?

Well, that and the flow/rhyme scheme. Both are very natural and unforced. Thank God for that. I hate it when rhyming is corny and unnatural. You've managed to pull it off nicely.

Anyways, that's all for now! Hope I could help.

-Knightley

Hi KnightlyAngel!

This is a gorgeous poem.

I enjoyed the flow of this poem immensely. Sure, it began a little cheesy, but in the end it made my romantic heart flutter and wonder if there was someone like that in the world, that's how sweet it was. +flutters again+ This poem gave me the image of someone inside a dark room with only one window shining out into the dark, clear night sky with nothing showing. It gives a feel of loneliness, as well as a need for completion and the strength of the passion held within.

I'd like to say though that I'm a little confused about:

I'd take you up to touch the sky,
But nothing is out there.

because it seems a little contradictory, especially since you said at the end

I'd take you up to touch the sky,
But, love, I cannot see...

so it makes me wonder what does having nothing there have to do with anything..? It's seems like pointless information so it makes me feel like it interrupted the flow... It's quite a nice poem, though! I'm sorry if I sound a little off (not too great at reviewing, first time, actually) and I hoped I could help!

Thanks and keep writing.
-Nikki

Hey KnightlyAngel09, it's Selin here!

First, I should mention that this poem is so far to be cheesy. The rhythm is perfect.
Especially in this line;

"And without you, I fear I'm blind,"

you created an indescribable image in my mind, I've stopped reading and thought about it for a while.

In a poem I mostly look for the emotional satisfaction, so I can say this piece of work is worth reading as often as you can't name(or tell to the "one") what you feel, but terribly know what's going on inside yourself.

Wow I really truly honestly love it. I wish it was a tad more descriptive but overall it was great. I do believe cheesy can be a good thing and I am excited to read some of your other work
Happy Holidays!

Hello there!

I really loved this poem--I think you avoid cheesy with the last two stanzas, so no worries. But before I get ahead of myself..

If I'm reading and understanding the first stanza correctly, and you're saying that since the stars and moon are in your lover's hair and eyes, that's beautiful imagery. If I'm reading into something that isn't there, that's still great, because it means your poetry is making me think.

I loved the repetitiveness in the second stanza..."All the light in all this dark." I think you could lessen any awkwardness between lines by un-capitalizing, say "exists" and "ignites," as it's all part of the same sentence.

I also love "And without you, I fear I'm blind," because as romantic/cheesy as it can be construed at--still a very good image!--it can also be taken at a darker meaning. Without the person's light, the narrator is blind...she is wholly dependent on the other person, which is (understatement) very bad when the other person chooses to leave.

But the fourth stanza is definitely my favorite. It's great, the way you've managed to link all your strong ideas (the love, the blindness, the lover stealing the stars and leaving the narrator in the dark) in one strong stanza. I liked this poem the first time I read it, but the more I read it, the more I fall in love with it. This is really an excellent job.

Thanks for sharing.