Young Writers Society

"To Rend This Tattered Heart"

Your hand casually touches my breast, cupping it in your palm
Willingly I allow you to reach inside me, your fingers probing first my ribcage
Then brushing against my slow beating heart, and my tempo quickens
My skin flushes scarlet – desire rises from within me, seeking copulation with your touch
My head tilts back and my mouth opens, seeking your taste, your tongue, your teeth
I must have expected something a little different:
Something feral like teeth prints on my shoulder, not this cascade of pain
My eyes grow wide as you pull and rip, and blood explodes into the air
The steady tear of the veins in my heart, leaving a trail of broken hopes and dreams
Behind you like a red streak of pain, a white breast shattered by this loathsome aspiration
A height to which I once climbed, and it for a brief moment it was glorious
How is it that something so wonderful and divine has the power to utterly destroy?
---------------
I just went through a very difficult breakup and this poem is an attempt to not only illustrate my pain, but to act as therapy. When I was with him, I lost my ability to write. At first it was nothing, I was unconcerned. But now I realize what I have lost in those months. Yet my muse has returned from her long captivity. Crits and suggestions would be great - as well as title ideas, as "Shatter" is somewhat less than desired.

I really liked this poem. I could definitely relate to the feelings portrayed.
I'm afraid I can't critic anything in this poem because I find it so perfect.
I know what you're going through, I recently went through a very difficult breakup and coincidentally when I was with him I lost my ability to write too.
Anyway, this was a great piece! Keep writing

I'm glad you liked the poem. Any title suggestions, or do you like that too? It's interesting that we both lost our ability to write, isn't it? Perhaps we are all kindred spirits somehow.

I liked this a lot as well. Great language, very descriptive, all fits together nicely. As for a title...I do kind of think that Shatter is all wrong, because it makes you think of something brittle, or sharp, and here it's more like you're being ripped or torn...something like that. So maybe something along those lines? Other random title suggestions that kind of came to mind as I read through it the second time:

"Red and White"
"Too Deep Inside"
"Divinity Destroyed"

Even if you don't take any of those suggestions, I hope I've given you some ideas

How's that title working? Any better? Thanks for your help.

Oooh I love this. So deliciously violent.

Your hand casually touches my breast, cupping it in your palm
Willingly I allow you to reach inside me, your fingers probing first my ribcage
Then brushing against my slow beating heart, and my tempo quickens
My skin flushes scarlet – desire rises from within me, seeking copulation with your touch
My head tilts back and my mouth opens, seeking your taste, your tongue, your teeth

The overt sexual references here are wonderful. Just wonderful. Very erotic. They create an incredible juxtoposition to the next burst of emotions.

I must have expected something a little different:
Something feral like teeth prints on my shoulder, not this cascade of pain

Casacade of pain. Yes.

My eyes grow wide as you pull and rip, and blood explodes into the air
The steady tear of the veins in my heart, leaving a trail of broken hopes and dreams

It falls apart a little here. "My eyes grow wide" take away some of the drama of the previous parts. It's an unnecessary personal narration. "Broken hopes and dreams" is pretty overdone.

Behind you like a red streak of pain, a white breast shattered by this loathsome aspiration
A height to which I once climbed, and it for a brief moment it was glorious

I want you to get ring of the "like". Glorious is such a good word. You start to regain the strength the beginning had.

How is it that something so wonderful and divine has the power to utterly destroy?

Is there ANY way to change this line? I know exactly what you mean, but again it's overdone. I'd hate this piece to be brought down by one little kind-of cliche.

Over all good work. I can sympathize, BELIEVE me.

I think the last line can be better if there's less words. It just seems a little wordy; less is more.

But I did like it. As Gal said, deliciously erotic.