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Young Writers Society


Spectrum of Emotion



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Gender: None specified
Points: 890
Reviews: 40
Tue Oct 18, 2005 9:10 pm
Once Upon A Dream says...



Your name
Will forever be for me
Love, and pain
And so many unfathomable emotions
Tumbling together in a waterfall
Forming an ocean that can never be crossed.
It’s nights like these, when I think these things
That I can hardly believe you are real;
Everything that happened between us
That days I would have died for
And the things you could have spared me
Were never really real…
  





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63 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 63
Thu Oct 20, 2005 4:06 am
Cicero says...



Errr, great?
Your name
Will forever be for me
Love, and pain

I like these lines and that's about it. These lines are great, and I completely identify with them.

And so many unfathomable emotions
Tumbling together in a waterfall
Forming an ocean that can never be crossed.

So broad... so impersonal. Find a better way to describe your emotions. These generalizations are overused and cliche.

It’s nights like these, when I think these things
That I can hardly believe you are real;
Everything that happened between us
That days I would have died for
And the things you could have spared me
Were never really real…

You use "real" too much. Invest in a thesaurus. Until then, how about replacing the first one with "exists"?
Replace the second "these" with "such".
"That days I would have died for... spared me" is great. I really like that phrase.
"Really real"? Oy. First off all, avoid the word "really." Second of all, if you must use it, don't have real directly after it. That's just painful, man.
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You have a few great phrases here, but the rest of it is fluff. Try to tailor it around those phrases and beef it out a bit. Happy revision!
"Artichoke -
O heart weighed down by so many wings."
- Joseph Hutchison
  








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