Young Writers Society

It's been a long, narrow pathway.
I've had to drag colossal shadoes and gigantic blocks of tin.
And they fade at times,
(or am I going blind - T C L R A)
but there have been neonpinkpattycakes and rosegolddiamondrings.

Sweet white tiredness in my eyes I woke
and an anonymous woman poured petrol into my hand.
Neck-high water slowly sinks to the sand at my feet
and well-wishes bring-a-bring through the still air.

Friday's child is loving and giving.
And so they scoff and I frown thoughtfully.
The blunt sentence rings like a weak goodbye when you don't care.

Tonight
(What's it for?)

(Her birthday).

Someone forgot a hoop-earringed, unimportant little sweet sixteen
as cheesecake sat in the fridge.
She wanted a horse and cart and if it fell down, a doggie named Rover.
And an apprehensive just-legal driver
who flickers in and out of stars and white dwarfs
as easily as dark wraps it wrath around a wren.
She's a sentimental sixteen who talks about death
in bright pink comic sans.
Tonight
she sang like there were three cigarettes in an ashtray,
with her mother on the piano, welted to the carpet.
Do you know what her favourite present was?
The splitting storm: the racking, batter lightning,
coughing, pepper thunder and the stomping, sugar rain.
It was the accompanying piano chords
that settled her straying mind which had just turned sixteen.
written: Thursday 20th January 2005, 11:40pm.

It's been a long, narrow pathway.
I've had to drag colossal shadoes and gigantic blocks of tin.

It's "shadows" first of all. What has been a long narrow pathway? Your life? The year? The hall from your bedroom to your bathroom at 3 a.m.? Seek clarity in all you do! However, the image of dragging shadows is a neat one. Perhaps change the tin to something as intangible as shadows to bring continuity to the phrase?

And they fade at times,
(or am I going blind - T C L R A)

Cool attempt, but it fails in this context, unless you spell something maybe?

but there have been neonpinkpattycakes and rosegolddiamondrings.

Why did you bunch the words together? It doesn't seem to have a purpose... Stylistics are only effective if the reader can divine your meaning.

Sweet white tiredness in my eyes I woke
and an anonymous woman poured petrol into my hand.
Neck-high water slowly sinks to the sand at my feet
and well-wishes bring-a-bring through the still air.

The first line is pretty neat, although I would suggest "awoke" instead of "woke." The rest of this stanza is overdone and serves no overall purpose. Axe it.

Friday's child is loving and giving.
And so they scoff and I frown thoughtfully.

I take it you are not a Friday child? Or are you and just don't fit the part - this has potential, but when it is so arcane, it merely leaves the reader in a state of confusion.

The blunt sentence rings like a weak goodbye when you don't care.

Happy birthday? Is that what you mean?

Tonight
(What's it for?)

(Her birthday).

I think this is weak, but I don't know what to suggest.

She wanted a horse and cart and if it fell down, a doggie named Rover.

In reference to the lullaby?

And an apprehensive just-legal driver
who flickers in and out of stars and white dwarfs
as easily as dark wraps it wrath around a wren.

Very cool imagery, but what does it mean?

She's a sentimental sixteen who talks about death
in bright pink comic sans.

Very nice.

she sang like there were three cigarettes in an ashtray,

Please explain. Is it supposed to be like a club or something?

with her mother on the piano, welted to the carpet.

Do you mean "welded"?

Do you know what her favourite present was?
The splitting storm: the racking, batter lightning,
coughing, pepper thunder and the stomping, sugar rain.

I like it, but the word choice is a little off. Do you mean "battered"? Racking usually goes with coughing immediately following...

It was the accompanying piano chords
that settled her straying mind which had just turned sixteen.

A fairly good end. But why did she need to settle her mind?

Basically you need to work on being more comprehensive to the reader who does not know you well. It's sometimes hard to understand your images (however good they are). Work on being more accessible to the reader. I like this a lot, though. Good job and good luck!

I really liked the general idea its just a little hard to get them imagary, show don't tell, my english teacher is always quoting that.

[/quote]she sang like there were three cigarettes in an ashtray,
with her mother on the piano, welted to the carpet. [/quote]

i dont understand this part, is it ment to mean she sang alone but like others were with her?

She's a sentimental sixteen who talks about death
in bright pink comic sans.

love that part, and I love the description of the storm.

Do you know what her favourite present was?
The splitting storm: the racking, batter lightning,
coughing, pepper thunder and the stomping, sugar rain.
It was the accompanying piano chords
that settled her straying mind which had just turned sixteen.

I think it was a great ending, other than that i think your only issue is spelling and grammar but since i'm pretty bad at both i'm not going to try point them out, just some little things really. Really Great Poem though, easy to relate too. :thumb: