Property in the Sky

Trying to sell me property in the sky,
But that asking price listed is quite high.
Trying to convince me the sale is a steal,
But you can’t convince me it’s even real.

Now you tell me I can only have it when I die?
You won’t convince me that catch isn’t a lie.
Not the type that can have faith in your tongue.
Rather invest time down here while I’m still young.

I like your poem and I think the message of it is true. I do have one suggestion...

Not the type that can have faith in your tongue.

I think that if you changed the in to on it would sound much better.I think that your poem has good rhythm and punctuation but, I just wish it was a little bit longer. I feel like you are scratching the surface of a bigger idea.Have a great day Fiction.

Hi Invisible Mann,

I have to say, I quite liked this: the concept of "property in the sky" and someone trying to sell it to an uninterested buyer was quite unusual. However, I agree with fiction903 - while you have an interesting idea, it feels like you're only scratching the surface.

Part of this is the length, but I also think the rhyme scheme is contributing to the superficiality. Not only does it limit your expression, but it makes the poem feel cutesy and a little forced. You might do better with this concept if you try a less constricting rhyme scheme or even free verse, so that you can really expand on the imagery the way it deserves.

Keep writing!

Cheers,
~bubbles

Hi there!

My interpretation of the poem here seems to be that you're talking about Heaven? If so, then I like the way you've gone about this. It's taken an alternative viewpoint - you haven't just gone out there and said you don't believe in it, you've taken the theory and related it to a real life issue. So, yes, I think the what you've written about and the angle you've written it from is very nice.

What I'm not so sure about is the way you write this. Firstly, the rhyme scheme. I can't count how many times I've read a poem that has a nice topic and a writer who obviously has some skill but is killed by the rhyme scheme. Generally speaking, it drags poems down. It means you have to shoehorn your ideas into a rigid structure that, the majority of the time, means they lose a lot of the meaning they could have otherwise had. I think you could go into much more depth with this - it really does have potential - so I'd recommend either loosening your rhyme scheme or scratching it altogether and trying your hand at freeverse.

Now, I said you could go into more depth. I really think you should. You're starting to look at a vast topic with infinite possibilities for the poem, yet you're only looking at one or two, and even then only giving them a cursory glance. It would be much more interesting if you went deeper with this and explored slightly. Forgive me for saying this, but your poem at the moment doesn't feel like it must have taken much effort to write. I would love it if you could take what you have an then expand on it so you delve into this huge topic and try to pull out a few things that could really step your poem up a notch. I haven't been too specific here because, as I said, it's a vast subject and you could really go in any direction you wanted to. I just think you really should take it further!

Hope this helps!

-Amy

Thanks for all the feedback everyone, and everything I read sounds true to me. It took about 3-5 minutes to write after I came with the concept. I have never been really good with poetry, but I have popped out 1 or 2 poems I really like. But I have always used poetry to help me as a writer, and especially rhyming. I force rhyme schemes as you have noticed, and I always like to rhyme to get better, because it is my weak point.

I personally enjoy writing novels and this was an idea I came up with for one. Heaven is what I was going with by the sky, but I am talking about the real estate and the agents if you will. Or the blablablabla I'm boring

Thanks for the feedback, and I am happy you liked the concept. As for length comments, it was 4 stanzas, and I deleted 2 because I didn't like them.