Clueless

So I quickly wrote this this morning to express my crazy confusing emotions about this one guy..it's very rough so I'd love your criticism (: Enjoy!

~~~

You are absolutely clueless
To the pain you have caused me.
This love is just a virus
You're the deadly disease.

She's all you think, you sleep,
You breathe,
And here I am just bleeding.
Cut from your lies
Your gorgeous eyes
Always so misleading.

I loved another for awhile
But you were always there
Holding my heart,
Throwing it down the stairs.

It reminds me of all the tears
And hearts you've broken before me.
Why should I care for
Someone who ignores me?

You give me hugs, false hopes
And lust
Yet my ignorant heart won't stop.
I'm asking for the pain
And endless yearning to drop.

Tear out the slice of my heart
Dedicated to you.
It will help us both,
Indeed, this is true.

My only wish is to dismiss
The pain and longing for something,
That will never happen,
For I am certain
That this pain is for nothing.

Okay, I think this is sort of interesting. The idea is old but new ideas were stuck in your poem that I have not heard before. I like the idea of him being a deadly disease and the love being a virus.
Personally, I think this poem could use some imagry. I mean, it is filled to the brim with her feelings but it doesnt SHOW us what it is like. Maybe add in what the guy looks like, where she first met him, or places they went. I dont know, something.
Good start, work on it a little though.

I feel like the poem was a little broken up with the punctuation. If you go through and read it again I think you'll get the rhythm down better than just running through it and thus see the punctuation.
One particular area where I find the punctuation distracting is between lines 12-16 ("But you were always there." to "/And broken hearts before me.") This section really seems choppy to me because the sentance in twelve seems to continue on, but the punctuation indicates that it has stopped. The idea is still continuing so it feels like it's sectioned off from the rest of the poem due to the uneasiness of the punctuation.

Aside from this I like how you went about expressing yourself. You did a good job staying on topic and the reactions to him are truly human. I suggest reading through it again deciding on a final format.

You are absolutely clueless
To the pain you have caused me.
This love is just a virus
You're the deadly disease.
While I like the metaphor/simile, these two lines don't flow, maybe because it's not a grammatically correct sentence?

She's all you think, you sleep,
You breathe,
And here I am just bleeding.
Cut from your lies
Your gorgeous eyes
Always so misleading.Beautiful stanza.

I loved another for awhile
But you were always there
Holding my heart,
Throwing it down the stairs.

It reminds me of all the tears
And hearts you've broken before me.
Why should I care for
Someone who ignores me?

You give me hugs, false hopes
And lust
Yet my ignorant heart won't stop.
I'm asking for the pain
And endless yearning to drop.

Tear out the slice of my heart
Dedicated to you.
It will help us both,
Indeed, this is true.A bit forced sounding.

My only wish is to dismiss
The pain and longing for something,
That will never happen,
For I am certain
That this pain is for nothing.Also forced, a rather anti-climatic ending.

Overall critique: I feel like this needs a bit more form. While each stanza has a nice rhythm, you change the rhythm between stanzas. I did enjoy this, though. Keep working!

Hi Confused.pirate,

Yeah, this is bad. The introduction wasn't needed; it's obvious to anyone with a cerebrum that you wrote it without paying the words much thought or care. It's fine to write stuff like this in your notebook, but either learn to refine your work or keep it in your notebook forever. Just a warning.

Confused.pirate wrote:You are absolutely clueless
To the pain you have caused me.
This love is just a virus
You're the deadly disease.

She's all you think, you sleep,
You breathe,
And here I am just bleeding.
Cut from your lies
Your gorgeous eyes
Always so misleading.

This is just laughable. First tip: Don't oscillate between "You are so-and-so" and "You do so-and-so". It gets boring, fast. Furthermore, the virus/disease thing is cheesy and overwrought, considering you explicitly had to nudge the reader and remind him "Hey, look! I'm making a metaphor! Look at me!" Keep your poetic devices moderately dressed at least.

The rest of this is equally annoying and whiny. The forced march of your rhyme scheme doesn't help. Example:

Tear out the slice of my heart
Dedicated to you.
It will help us both,
Indeed, this is true.

I doubt you could have written that last line honestly the same way if you didn't feel you had a rhyme to uphold. Get rid of the rhyming entirely, for now. That will come later, once you've learned to how apply imagery to your work.

The order of the day here is to stop explictly stating what is and what isn't. This is poetry. This is a medium in which you need to immerse your reader in liquid spoken song while he acclimates; you don't simply pick him up and throw him around like a fresh salmon. Describe what the pain is, and compare it to something that the general reader can relate to.

Good luck. This poem severely needs it.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Hey confused.pirate!

Interesting idea! Now! Let's make it poetic! One of the cool things about poetry is that it's like the Looney Tunes... anything can happen! So instead of just ranting about the guy being horrible to you, you can actually pretend that it happened. That he threw you down the stairs and tore away your heart. And you can do this in gruesome, shocking detail which captivates our imaginations.

So be more creative! Right now, you're only scraping the surface of poetry... you can do so much more.

Thanks guys. It's extremely apparent that I'm not a poet..usually I post in the short story portion of the website. Thanks for the criticism anyway! If I someday write another, I'll take your advice.

Here reviewing for the contest! First thing's first: Don't get discouraged by the criticism. Every poet makes mistakes, even the "greats," so don't feel hopeless. I'll do the full review now. My comments are blue, as always.

You are absolutely clueless
To the pain you have caused me.
This love is just a virus;
You're the deadly disease.<- I liked this metaphor, actually. Not bad.

She's all you think, you sleep,
You breathe,
And here I am just bleeding.
Cut from your lies
Your gorgeous eyes
Always so misleading.Very nice stanza.

I loved another for awhile
But you were always there
Holding my heart,
Throwing it down the stairs.This wasn't great; it felt quite forced.

It reminds me of all the tears
And hearts you've broken before me.
Why should I care for
Someone who ignores me?Nice way of expressing the feelings every girl has at some point. Good.

You give me hugs, false hopes
And lust
Yet my ignorant heart won't stop.
I'm asking for the pain
And endless yearning to drop.<- This doesn't make perfect sense the way it is written. Try rewriting the entire stanza.

Tear out the slice of my heart
Dedicated to you.
It will help us both,
Indeed, this is true.<- Again, the rhyme felt sort of forced...

My only wish is to dismiss
The pain and longing for something,
That will never happen,
For I am certain
That this pain is for nothing.The ending isn't as strong as it could be, but keep trying.

Again, don't get discouraged. Don't quit! This had some redeeming parts to it, so there is definitely hope for this poem's future. However, your rhyme schemes were not consistent and often felt (sorry to say it again) forced. Try rewriting it without the pressure of rhyming and see what happens. Odds are, you'll be better able to pour out your heart and the piece will improve. Good luck, nice first attemt, and never stop writing!

Your poem is extremely good. Atleast in my eyes it is. It made my heart clench and relate to the pain that's depicted in the words. I find that many people look at a poem as something that needs to be a certain way or else it's just "amaturish". I don't think that way. Poetry (in my eyes) is something that is shapeless and endless and boundless and is unable to be restrained or defined by a certain set of rules. I loved your way of wording things, your questions, your simple descriptions that showed you were writing to tell a feeling instead of a story. You say you're not a poet, but I'd beg to differ because what you wrote is truely poetry. Thanks for posting it, it was a pleasure to read.