First Poem

I like this poem. I do have a couple of suggestions though. First you might want to add some more punctuation. Next...

When I was a child I planted dreams in a yard as pretty

What is the yard as pretty as? This would be an excellent spot for you to elaborate and add a simile.I like the last two lines because rooted and diluted rhyme.Welcome to yws and remember you have to give reviews to get reviews.Have a great day fiction.

Hey this poem is alright but it could be made better

"When I was a child I planted dreams in a yard as pretty,"
Those things less common in the city.

Not dreams of course, but rather homes where they are rooted,
For when those hearts do wither the hope is sure to be diluted.

I can see you are trying to rhyme here but It is EXTREMELY forced as the phrase
When I was a child I planted dreams in a yard as pretty

I couldn't understand until you explained it

and it was obvious that you did this in order to rhyme with city in the line

Those things less common in the city.

So the first rhyming couplet sounded forced

the last two lines were the good points of the poem, the rhyme wasn't forced but I would change the word heart to wishes because that fits in more with the theme you have going about dreams. although you could explain the last two lines a bit more, for example, why have the hearts withered?

Overall, not bad first try

Keep writing

Halycon

Hey again, only little old me ^^ This is a good first attempt, much better than my own. I can see that you won't have far to go before you can be considered an initiate to poetry. Experimentation is the right way to go. Here's a few brief suggestions first:

When I was a child I planted dreams in a yard as pretty [Hmmm. Okay so you chose to end the line with pretty so that you'd have the rhyme. Unfortunately the rhyme sounds forced and it also gives confusion as to what is pretty. Also 'when I was a child' is a lot of words. Poetry should aim to say/ express a lot with few words. The context of your poem should suggest this happened in childhood. When a person muses about their past, they don't neccessarily think 'Oh yes, it was when I was a child.' I'd suggest that you don't need to tell us the narrator is thinking back to childhood. I'd also suggest expanding this but in its current state maybe something like:

'I planted dreams in a cradle pot of clay,
with the flowers - they weren't as pretty - '

But on that spot they've begun to now rot, shrivel, decay;
Those things less common in the city
Not dreams of course but rather homes where they are rooted
For when those hearts do wither the hope is sure to be diluted [Sure to be diluted. It's an uncertain term where poetry is concerned. That sounds paradoxical but when writing poetry the surer, stronger lines are those that are direct and short. There's a greater impact when you say: 'The war is here' than if you were to say 'The war will surely begin.' Possibly somthing like, 'For when hearts wither, in shallow breasts, hope is diluted.'

Thanks for the read. You've got a good start here, a strong skeleton. I look forward to seeing where you go from here. If you're looking for general advice on poetry, you can ask me questions. I don't know everything but I've been writing it for some time nowand I'd like to think I can point you in the right direction.

Keep up the good work!

Heather xx

Hi there. This was pretty good. And especially since this was your very first poem, I'm especially impressed. I liked how simple this was; there was just the perfect amount of imagery. A lot is accomplished in five lines. However, there were a few things, mostly having to with your grammar and line breaks. See below:

ryanke07 wrote:When I was a child,I planted dreams in a yard

You were missing a comma there. This was pretty good hook to the poem, and the sentence ended...

as pretty

...here. "As" usually designates a simile, but you don't compare it to anything. Either do so or replace as with "so".

But on that spot now rots

Were you missing that? It seems to make a lot more since now.

That's all I found, and over all this a nice start to to the world of poetry. I can't wait to see more of your work as you progress and grow.

PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor

The first line in your poem is certainly the best I loved the imagery and it seemed perfect for a song of some sort. If you could change the rest of your poem to lend it the same drama that your first line posesses it would be amazing. However as it is it's a beautiful poem

It's a shame this is so short. You say you're new to the craft of writing but in that one stanza you've proven that you have it in you to write something really good.

Two tips: First, make it longer. Partly because poems this short rarely work, and partly because it's hard for people to give decent feedback based on such a short piece.
Second: You don't have to add such a long authors note at the beginning, especially if your work remains at this quality. Let your work speak for you.

Ah, it's you who wrote my favorite scary story EVVA!!!! Well, welcome to the weird, wild, and wonderful world of poetry. A frightening place, to be sure, but take heart: poetry is not about form, it's not about punctuation, it's not about pleasing everybody else; it's about you and how things look to you. An artist's paradise.

But just for the sake of saving my reputation as a reviewer, I shall nitpick a couple of small things:

When I was a child I planted dreams in a yard as pretty This sounds like an unfinished sentence.
But on that spot now rot Internal rhyme--I like.
Those things less common in the city
Not dreams of course but rather homes where they are rooted "Of course" should probably be set apart by commas.
For when those hearts do wither the hope is sure to be diluted. I would omit "do" here; it sounds a tad forced.

A good start! Keep thou to thy writing!

Hi I think that as a first try the poem was good. I don't really agree with people talking about punctuation like is a must since this is not a story but a poem where you have the freedom to twist and write the way you want as long as the words are written properly. I believe that you can put punctuation if you want but you don't have to.

Going back to the poem there is something I like about it, maybe a feeling of nostalgia that the author has. The poem is quite short but effective.

I love this part of the poem:

... Not dreams of course but rather homes where they are rooted
For when those hearts do wither the hope is sure to be diluted.

I think the part you need to improve is this one:

When I was a child I planted dreams in a yard as pretty
But on that spot now rot
Those things less common in the city

Mainly because as someonelse's said it seems forced. With little improvements I think this poem could be really good.
Keep it up