Bastard I Have Loved

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My love is of a birth as vile
As e'er a man could find himself to be.
Leading saints to taint Eve's virgin smile,
With compassion nowhere eyes can see.
.
His touch falls short of stirring me to wake,
Though he ranked himself among romancers.
Thinking, for me, a lighter load he makes.
Instead, a catalyst for all my body's cancers.
.
He, when insecure, casts the starting stone.
My form fairer, a thousand fold, than his.
His jealous critiques, from vanity, has grown.
His love redeems the villain that he is.
At the touch of love eveyone becomes a poet




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Hey Awake! Let me say that when I read the title of the poem it turned me off. I was expecting a rant on his horribleness, and was really surprised that it wasn't like that. You actually gave a poetic view on it, instead of listing all the things you hate about him. Your way of rhyming I really like, and you've got a good poem here, the only thing I would change is the name.

Keep writing!
"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."




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Awakening wrote:My love is of a birth as vile
As e'er a man could find himself to be.
Leading saints to taint Eve's virgin smile, < (what? This doesn't make sense.)With compassion nowhere eyes can see. < (whose compassion?)
.

His touch falls short of stirring me to wake, < (nice)
Though he ranked himself among romancers.
Thinking, for me, a lighter load he makes. < (what?)
Instead, a catalyst for all my body's cancers.
.
He, when insecure, casts the starting stone.
My form fairer, a thousand fold, than his.
His jealous critiques, from vanity, has grown.
His love redeems the villain that he is. < (nice)


Overall I loved it, it was intelligently written. However, there were parts that were too smart. Try to dumb it down so that these parts make sense.

~Durrie :smt023
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Awake!

I truly enjoyed this. You have a wonderful rhythm, consistent meter, perfect rhyme, and while the poem may not be the most original, I think you've done an absolutely wonderful job.

However, the end of it kind of spins off and I think it needs a better closing.The poem is really good, short and concise, but the ending doesn't do it justice.

June
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter



Sometimes my life just sounds like surrealistic fiction being sold on clearance at the book store.
— J. G. Hammersmith