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Bastard I Have Loved

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My love is of a birth as vile
As e'er a man could find himself to be.
Leading saints to taint Eve's virgin smile,
With compassion nowhere eyes can see.
.
His touch falls short of stirring me to wake,
Though he ranked himself among romancers.
Thinking, for me, a lighter load he makes.
Instead, a catalyst for all my body's cancers.
.
He, when insecure, casts the starting stone.
My form fairer, a thousand fold, than his.
His jealous critiques, from vanity, has grown.
His love redeems the villain that he is.
At the touch of love eveyone becomes a poet




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Points 7539
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Hey Awake! Let me say that when I read the title of the poem it turned me off. I was expecting a rant on his horribleness, and was really surprised that it wasn't like that. You actually gave a poetic view on it, instead of listing all the things you hate about him. Your way of rhyming I really like, and you've got a good poem here, the only thing I would change is the name.

Keep writing!
"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."




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Points 12621
Reviews 83
Awakening wrote:My love is of a birth as vile
As e'er a man could find himself to be.
Leading saints to taint Eve's virgin smile, < (what? This doesn't make sense.)With compassion nowhere eyes can see. < (whose compassion?)
.

His touch falls short of stirring me to wake, < (nice)
Though he ranked himself among romancers.
Thinking, for me, a lighter load he makes. < (what?)
Instead, a catalyst for all my body's cancers.
.
He, when insecure, casts the starting stone.
My form fairer, a thousand fold, than his.
His jealous critiques, from vanity, has grown.
His love redeems the villain that he is. < (nice)


Overall I loved it, it was intelligently written. However, there were parts that were too smart. Try to dumb it down so that these parts make sense.

~Durrie :smt023
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Awake!

I truly enjoyed this. You have a wonderful rhythm, consistent meter, perfect rhyme, and while the poem may not be the most original, I think you've done an absolutely wonderful job.

However, the end of it kind of spins off and I think it needs a better closing.The poem is really good, short and concise, but the ending doesn't do it justice.

June
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter



Every time I’ve gotten feedback that was hard to take it was usually hard to take because there was truth in it and I didn’t like that (or didn’t want to receive it). That’s not to say all harsh feedback is good or that we should be harsh for harshness’ sake, but learning to absorb truth without letting it break your inner core/break you is a lifelong skill that keeps your mind elastic and open to learning.
— soundofmind