A Record My Mind Often Plays

For the record, this poem is stanzaic, but I don't know how to make the spacing show up on this site.
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Your voice is a record my mind often plays
It cycles on repeat but eventually fades
I wish that my memory was perfectly tuned
So being alone would still leave me with you

One day when I thought I was wholly alone
The most beautiful sound poured right out of my phone
The sound of your voice no one else could replace
Paints life with bright colors and fills it with grace

Our words stuttered madly, we both choked on tears
It felt more like I hadn’t seen you in years
What a masterpiece scrambled words can create
Who knew every moment could carry such weight?

And as the curtain closed upon the set
We spoke the most breathtaking sentiments yet
Confessions of feelings we already knew
Embossed in my brain, truthful words, though so few

These calls are a record my mind often plays
They cycle on repeat but eventually fade
No matter how badly my mind may be tuned
I’ll never stop hearing the words “I love you"

Ok, Overall. I didn't like it. There however several things that I do like about this piece. I'm going to quickly set aside the fact that I do not as a rule enjoy rhythmic poetry, you know the kind that rhymes. I like it when it seems to flow, like someone could actually be saying this to you. I digress. I like that you tried for a more contemporary feel with the inclusion of the phone part. I get kinda excited just at the thought of taking such an old form of expression and trying to make it modern. Though this part here at the end "Confessions of feelings we already knew Embossed in my brain, truthful words, though so few" seemed a little forced. Like you couldn't edit what you truly wanted to say and instead just used commas, which with poetry especially can really slow things down. This part here at the beginning of the same paragraph "And as the curtain closed upon the set We spoke the most breathtaking sentiments yet" It all just seems so dramatic, like your trying so hard to be deep when truthfully it would come off a lot more mature if you just said the words. EX: Before we hung up you said words to me so beautiful and kind I will never forget. I mean it might not exactly pop off the page but It's much less over dramatic and see how much better it flows? Please don't take offense to my critique, I have heard in the past I can be kinda harsh but it doesn't come from a bad place. I wish you a lot of luck whether you decide to take up writing professionally or just for fun.

I found this poem quaint and beautiful. I liked the words that you used in your rhyme

springs616 wrote:Our words stuttered madly, we both choked on tears
It felt more like I hadn’t seen you in years
What a masterpiece scrambled words can create
Who knew every moment could carry such weight?

this was my favorite stanza, though I wish it said more, I kind of want to know what he said, besides I love you, and how he said it.
That's my only criticism.
Great job and keep writing,
EMpress

I actually really enjoyed this! It's dealing with an idea that has been dealt with before, but the language you use is wonderful, as is your writing style. Another thing I also really enjoyed was your use of rhyme. I've seen a lot of rhyme recently, and only a few poems have actually used rhyme without making the standard of the poem slip or without forcing the rhyme. Congratulations, you're one of the few.

~Amy

It's an alright poem, I know being a teenage girl, a lot of our thoughts are about guys, but I've read so many poems about teenage love, so that I'm a little sick of it. So I apologize if I sound mean. The rhymes weren't real great, it it was lacking imagery. Your style reminds me of my own poetry...for a long time I felt like it wasn't real poetry unless it had a good rhyme, when in fact I find it much harder to write non rhyming poetry then rhyming. I've read a lot of poetry in the last week, and what I've found is that the best poems I read, didn't rhyme. They just had great imagery and flow. That's what makes a poem great- flow, imagery, and uniqueness. Keep experimenting and find your flow...keep writing .