House Of Dreams

Hi Vale! I'm Kat, nice meeting you! I'm going to review this, okay? ^.^

So, first I'd like to talk to you about something: proper grammar. For example:

I Open the door & i see everything.

This first made me want to close this page, just because it didn't have proper grammar. There are some pieces were this kind of thing might be made intentionally, but I don't believe it would work with this. So, capitalize the I, put an 'and' instead of an & and put open in small case. And I won't mention this further down the review, because I noticed that there were a lot more &'s.

So! I really liked this poem. I think there is great imagery, but the early format is a bit... tedious, because it's constant. To explain myself better, you go enumerating things. Bullets, shattered dreams, etc. It's somewhat of a good description, but some people might stop at the beginning and that would be a shame. Your repetition of for example 'puddles' and 'ghosts' sounds very poetic and powerful to me, because when read with a certain voice it comes out dramatically, which rocks.

One thing that really bothered me throughout the poem were capitalized words like 'open' a particular line where everything is capitalized. My advice would to be to change that. Just a little side note.

The biggest issue with this, in my point of view, is that I didn't actually feel anything. You know, the 'Show, don't tell'. One thing about poems, is that they are powerful pieces, loaded with emotion. And I knwo the emotion is there, in this poem, but I simply can't feel it. So, try and read this: topic18790.html

The imagery here is good, so keep that in mind. And I particularly love this line:

I see puddles; puddles of fallen dreams.

Another side note! In the future, please don't put your whole entry in italics and bold; it makes it harder to read and follow

Thanks for posting this! If you need anything, feel free to PM me!
- Kat

Valecakeb0O wrote:I Open the door & i see everything.

The period in the end of the verse is ripping the rhythm, why couldn't it be like... with a hyphen or with a colon? You need to connect the verses in some way.

Valecakeb0O wrote:Those horrible nightmares & degrating futures.
A thousand bullets & injured throbing hearts.
Scattered rose petals ,Dead memories everywhere.
& Death knocking on every door.
Rollling tears & Aching scars.

You are just enumerating a list of motifs. But what's with them? Are they good, bad; boring, eccentric; great?

Valecakeb0O wrote:Ripped open vains wanting for some closure.
I see puddles; puddles of fallen dreams.

I like this in italic. Like some kind of poliptoton, if I remember correctly for what it stands for.

Valecakeb0O wrote:Everyone seems to fear.
Darkness seems to fill every inch of it.

I like how you used two similar words(even if they don't have anything in common) to describe the situation.

Valecakeb0O wrote:Broken fairytales nobody can repair.
Ghosts; Ghosts of the past on every window.
Lifeless bodies everywhere i look.
I see faraway kingdoms nobody can reach.
Dim stars with no wishes to offer.
Life lessons thrown away to never be seen.
Streaming blood everywhere.
Yells. Screams. Hollers.

Ask for another opinion here, but I like this the most in the poem. If you used a comma, the verse wouldn't be so emotional (not like "emo" emotional, more like ...sentient!)

Valecakeb0O wrote:Nobody can stop.

Stop what? Try to give your answers in the poems from now on.

Valecakeb0O wrote:Torn family portraits on the wall.
& Forgotten Fragile Frienships ready to be Terminated.
Love is not an existing word.
Blades. Guns. Knives.
at everyone's reach; everyone's dream.
& i step in.
I see a banner: "Never believe in nobody but,Yourself"
I Look to see..It's my Life in Pictures.[/i][/b]

I'm not a type who likes the free verse stuff so I hope this won't be too harsh: This poem was too common, too regular. To tell you the truth, I wasn't enjoying reading it. On the other hand, you have good images which are lost in your verses and use of stupid symbols like &s or envelope. There are many spelling errors; if you think that isn't important in a poem, you're wrong - every single detail is important for a poem is much shorter and much concise than any other literary work. Cheers!

I have two big points with this poem.
1- The Spelling. You had many spelling errors, lack of proper capitalization, and you used & instead of and. Those things irked me, and after the first few sentences made me want to stop reading. That's not good, you don't want to deter people away from your poems.
2- Subject matter. This I just felt was empty...it lacked any real deep emotions, and it looks like you just picked a bunch of stuff that sounded good, instead of trying to convey a feeling. But that just might be me haha. I also want to back up what Kat said about the bold and italics . You've got good imagery, so keep writing okay?

~Hope

Valecakeb0O wrote:
I Open the door & i see everything.
Those horrible nightmares & degrading futures.
A thousand bullets & injured throbbing hearts.
Scattered rose petals ,Dead memories everywhere.
& Death knocking on every door.
Rolling tears & Aching scars.
Ripped open veins wanting for some closure.
I see puddles; puddles of fallen dreams.
Everyone seems to fear.
Darkness seems to fill every inch of it.
Broken fairy tales nobody can repair.
Ghosts; Ghosts of the past on every window.
Lifeless bodies everywhere i look.
I see faraway kingdoms nobody can reach.
Dim stars with no wishes to offer.
Life lessons thrown away to never be seen.
Streaming blood everywhere.
Yells. Screams. Hollers.
Nobody can stop.
Torn family portraits on the wall.
& Forgotten Fragile Friendships ready to be Terminated.
Love is not an existing word.
Blades. Guns. Knives.
at every one's reach; every one's dream.
& i step in.
I see a banner: "Never believe in nobody but,Yourself"
I Look to see..It's my Life in Pictures.

Now that I've corrected the spelling, in bold.

Ghosts; Ghosts of the past on every window.

Don't repeat ghosts, you don't need to. Once is fine. Also you should break this into stanzas. It'd help.
Also I like the ending a lot. Good job.

Good luck, keep writing.

Silented1.

Hey there!

Ok, I'm really sorry but the spelling and grammar was horrible. First thing, you really want to write 'and' instead of '&'. But, I think people have mentioned this a lot so I'll move on.

Also, (one last thing, grammar wise) it might be nice if you varied the punctuation on the ends of your lines. The full stops (periods) make it choppy, blunt, and don't work so well. Why not expand out to semi-colons or commas?

What I really wanted to say is that the poem, to me, seems kind of empty. You're touching on this subject, but you're not writing about the full meaning of it. There isn't much emotion or feeling, and that's what we really want here.

~Amy

Hey Vale! June here,

It seems most things have been covered, so I shall do a quick bullet list.

- Write & out. Numbers and symbols should be written out, most of the time, in writing.

- Capitalize i. It's a proper pronoun; no reason for it to be tiny.

- Revise; search for spelling errors, and read this aloud. How does the flow sound to you? To me, it's a little scratchy. I think it could be improved because it's not a fluid read to me, when it really can be.


- In your emotion, you need to close it. You're giving us bits and pieces of emotion, and it's not enough; you're not doing enough to make us see it -- let us imagine by leaving some things to be imagined, dear. Give us enough of an image so that the rest of it is clear to us.

June